I am fighting the haze of depression and wondering if it was worth it to come back to life. For the first two or three years after my rebirth, I was just filled with wonder at being alive. That is not a state of being one can sustain, though. The body will return to the mean, to homeostasis, which means that I wsa never destined to soar for the stars.
I have never been good with resolutions or goals because I tend to be unrealistic when I set them. I have decided that I will make three big goals, and then I’ll break them further into sub-goals. Let’s start with the first one. But first, here is my post from yesterday.
Martial arts, specifically weapons forms
This is probably the most important thing to me. If not the most important, then it’s in the top two or three. By this I mean martial arts (Taiji and Bagua), and more specifcially the weapons forms.
I did not like the Solo Long Form in Taiji for the longest time. I railed against it and it really irritated me. I was frank with my teacher that I was not loving it, and she urged me to stick with it.
I did because I knew there was something there. Under all the irritation was a kernel of beliief that it was good for me. What made me decide I was all-in? Two things. One was a year or two after I started taking classes. I had intense back pain that started in my shoulders and then as I began to relax more because of Taiji, the pain migrated to my lower back. It was agonizing, and I could barely move because of the pain,
In desperation, I asked my Taiji teacher for something that would help. She told me to do the floor exerise we did in class and to do it three times on each side. It’s a simple exercise, really. You lie on the floor on your back with your feet on the floor and your knees up. You let your knees fall to one side, and point your nose and the hand on the other side of your body the other way.
Hold this position (I count to ten), and then slowly bring your knees back up to the starting position. Then, pull one knee to your chest and hold it for a few seconds. Return it to the floor and do the same with the other knee. Then both knees. Do the whole sequence on the other side. Do the whole cycle three times.
It takes leess than two minutes in total, and I was skeptical that it would undo the excruciating pain that I felt in my back. My teacher told me just to try it (that’s her mantra with my skepticism) and see if it worked.
I listened to her, and two months later, my pain had diminished by a significant amount. I couldn’t quite quantify it, but but it was at least a third. After a year, the pain was completely gone–and I was a vocal convert. I still do that one exercise every day, and my back is right as rain. Sometimes, there’s a twinge, but that’s mostly when I’ve been sitting in my computer chair for dours on end.
The second thing was my teacher pressing a wooden sword in my hand and insisting I just hold it after I dodged her on the weapons for at least two years. For whatever reason, I balked at the idea. Too violent, though I definitely wanted to learn the combat reasons for the solo form moves we did.
She argued with me six ways of Sunday, but I stubbornly resisted. Until she pushed the wooden sword in my hand and refused to let me back away. Over my voluminous objections, she told me to just hold it. Once my fingers closed over the hilt, I fell in love and knew this was what I was meant to be doing with my life.
I am so thankful that she pushed me to try it because my life has changed for the better. Now, I know the right and left sides of the Sword Form (I taught myself the left side because that’s how we do), the right and left sides of the Saber Form, the right and left sides of the Cane Form (I had to brush up on the Cane Form just now because I had gotten sloppy), most of a Karambit Form (not Taiji, and I need to teach myself the last row of five), the right side of the Fan Form (teaching myself the left), and the right side of the Double Saber Form. I also know some staff/spear drills. Oh, and I ‘m learning the Swimming Dragon Form in Bagua from my teacher in private lessons.
I just bought myself a nice saber, and I’m very pleased with it. It’s definitely weight-bearing exercise, and my muscles thank me for it (while also moaning a bit in pain).
In the new year, I want to teach myself more weapons. I sent my teacher a video of a fan form I found online because it was longer and showier than the one I taught myself. My teacher is not into the weapons, so she is fine with me teaching myself.
She had been teaching me the Double Saber Form when the pandemic hit. Or at least she was teaching me the drills. When the pandemic hit ,she taught me in Zoom, but admitted that she was not comfortable with the form. She sent me a video of her teacher doing the form and gave me her blessing to teach myself the rest of it. Her teacher was also thrilled that I taught it to myself.
I asked if I could teach myself the Fan Form I had sent her. She said she trusted me with the weapons to do whatever I wanted. Which felt really good. I also want to teach myself the guanddao at some point, but that’s not a weapon she knows. Her teacher does (I saw his student perferm the form at a demo), but there is no video of him doing the form.
I found one and sent it to my teacher. She sent it to her teacher, and he said it was fine. It’s a hefty weapon weighing up to ten poinds. And you have to move it over year head as part of the form.
Oh, yes. I mentioned the karambit, and I want to finish the last row of that form, too. It’s a small dagger-like, curved blade, and apparently, the real thing is sharp AF. Oh, and it’s two-sided. And illegal. I have several rubber karambits, but no actual steel one. And all my steel weapons are dull because I do not need to have sharp bladed weapons around.
In the weaapons forms category, this year, I want to teach myself the left side of the Fan Form (halfway there), a new Fan Form (right side), the rest of the Karambit Form, perhaps the left side of the Double Saber Form, learn the rest of the Swimming Dragon Form from my teacher, and seeing how well that goes, have her teach me the Swimming Dragon Form with the Deerhorn Knives–my favorite weapon of all.
Back when I was really depressed and could not do meditation, she taught me how to walk the circle (a Bagua meditation) with the deerhorn knives. It was while I was practicing that that I had a moment of revelation. I had been a pacifist until that point, but as I was walking the circle with my practice deerhorn knives (that my teacher gave to me), (while doing so, you look at the center of the circle where the opponent would be), I suddenly thought, “If it’s you or me–it’s definitely me.” Meaning that I would put myself over my imaginary opponent, and that was the first time I realized my life was worth something.
That’s all for today. I will write more on this tomorrow.