Today in class, my teacher mentioned that her teacher (Sifu) had been talking about the Sword Form and how important the helping hand was. He said that you could do the Sword Form with two swords instead of just one, so she suggested that to me because I’d told her that I wanted to do a Sword Form, but could not find one.
I don’t have two metal swords, but I do have a few wooden ones. I could try that or one metal and one wood. I don’t know how well the latter would work because they won’t be balanced, but it’s better than nothing. Let’s face it–I’m well on the way to talking myself into buying the double sword set from Kungfu Direct. I already watched a video reviewing the set, and the man was quite complimentary about it. In the meantime, I’ll see what I can scrounge up.
I just found out that Kungfu Direct also has deerhorn knives, but it’s under deer horn so it did not come up when I searched for deerhorn. I found them when I was browsing the non-Taiji weapons. There are also double axes, which are really cool. I am truly like a kid in a candy shop as I’m browsing the goodies (weapons).
The double saber set I want is not available. There’s another more expensive set with longer blades that is available. I’m not buying it for now, but I definitely have my eye on it. I’m also not getting the nice set of deerhorn knives yet beacuse I haven’t even started using them. And for now, the practice set will do me just fine.
In yesterday’s post, I talked about how I had a crushingly low self-esteem for much of my life. It’s a combination of having parents who did not like anything about me, belonging to two societies that believed woman and AFAB people should fit in very small boxes, and my weird brain just operating differently than ‘normal’ people’s.
The last time my mother and I talked about my medical crisis (about a week ago), my mother immediately said she was so grateful I had survived. The reason why? Because I could talk to my father when he was having one of his episodes. A month or so after my medical crisis, she said she was glad I had lived beacuse she had no one else to talk to.
Notice that neither of those answers were, “I’m glad you’re still alive so that you can live a full life.” Indeed, neither answer was about me at all. One was about her and the other was about my father. This is not a surprise, by the way, but it still hurt.
Other people talk about their parents and how much their parents love them. They take it for granted that their parents have their best interest at heart, which is something I’ve never thought at all. Sorry about the sentence structure, by the way. I know it’s awkward and ungainly, but hopefully, the message gets across.
Oh, by the way, I’m buying more fans. Two sets of two at different sizes. Thirteen inches and fifteen inches. The latter will be for the Double Fan Form as people seem to use bigger fans for the Double Fan Form, whereas the former will be for single use. Why two? Why not? They’re really cheap, and I might as will stock up.
I want to finish the Swimming Dragon Form this week. I have three or four movements left, and one of them is the conclusion–which should not be too hard. The two or three before that are complicated, but I thought that about the last two or three, and they weren’t that bad.
I don’t do my morning routine on Saturdays because I have class, so I’ll be back at it tomorrow. Well, later today. I might change that back because I don’t do Bagua in class, but it’s at noon. I don’t get up until after that usually.
I wished my sleep schedule was better, but I’m not doing anything to mitigate it. Especially since we changed the time last weekend, my brain has just been scrambled about time.
Back to the weapons. I said yesterday that I wanted to be practical and methodical about learning new weapon forms. I don’t mind that I’m just messing around with the Double Fan Form and with a karambit and a fan together, but at some point, I’m going to want to be serious about it. That doesn’t mean I can’t still have fun with it, but I want to learn the actual forms. Or in the case of the latter, create the actual form.
The Karambit Form is next. Along with me polishing up my Double Saber Form. And teaching myself the Double Fan Form. The karambit + fan combo will be just for fun for now. I’m not going to get serious about it for the time being.
Is that too much? It might be. I have the tendency to overestimate or underestimate how much time I need to do something, but rarely do I estimate it correctly. I think this is doable, and I’m not giving myself a deadline to learn any one form. However, I do want to give myself goals so I’m not just lollygagging about.
I think this is reasonable. I’m also amenable to deciding it wasn’t reasonable after trying it for a few months. The bottom line is that there’s no negative outcome if I just give it all a shot without any expectations.
Do I think I can keep it all straight in my head? I think so. I’m not as confident about it as I would have been before my medical crisis and my stroke, but I’m not NOT confident about it, either. This is osmething I know I’m doing pretty well in, which is one reason I don’t talk about it with my parents. They have a gift for taking all the wind out of my sails if I dare to show any pride in anything I do.
It goes beyond Asian humbleness that is endemic in all Asian cultures and crosses into dysfunctional in my family. As does so many things. That’s all for now. More later.