I’m finally starting to get serious about the weapon forms–and I want to focus on the combat aspects of martial arts from now on. I’ve always cared more about that than the health benefits (though that is quite the perk, too.
Side note within the parathensis: I have nevur focused on the health benefits because while I appreciate them, they were just not at the forefront of my mind. They were what kept me alive, though, during my medicla clisis. For that reason, I think of the healtth benefits more fondly when I think about Taiji. It’s still not the main reason I do Taiji, though.)
I am used to being a weirdo, and I am fine with it. I know that a lot of people think of Taiji as a very chill martial arts–which it is, mind–but it’s still martial. I have mentioned this before, but when I used to be on Twitter, I would wax poetic about the weapons. Inevitably, there would be several women tweeting back at me in shock/indignation that I had that side to me. One woman said in a very disapproving tone (believe me, it came across very clearly in the tweet) that she wouldn’t have thought that I was that kind of person. When I asked her to elaborate, she said violent–she didn’t think I was violent.
Side note redux: This is one of the ways that patriarchy has been harrmful. Women and AFAB people are taught since birth that the most important factor for them is to be nice. There are two quick and easy ways to cut a woman down–by saying she’s not being nice and by saying that she’s fat.
I learned to take the power away from the word fat when I was in my thirties. So many people used it as an epithet, and I jsut was not having any of that. I would say that I was fat, and if someone liked me, they would scramble to disagree with me. “Oh, no, you’re not fat. You’re just solid!” It was funny because by that time, I didn’t think of fat as a negative, but merely a descriptor.
Side not to the side note redux: This was also my reaction to people who were horrified that I didn’t like whatever popular media thing that was being discussed, whether it was The Beatles, The Big Lebowski, Seinfeld, or whatever else other people liked. I didn’t like any of them, and I made no bones about it. There was one woman on Twitter who simply could not believe that I didn’t like the things she did (and that she considered things everyone should like). She would say that she couldn’t see how anyone could not like them and then insist that I must like them.
Then there were people who said that I had terrible taste in music, movies, TV shows, etc. I would cheerfully agree with them, which completely took the wind out of their sails. They were spoiling for a fight, and I refused to give them one. I know I have have bad taste in music, and I don’t fucking care.
It’s amazing how liberating it is to not give a shit about things like that. And how hard it is for someone to get a rise out of you when you don’t figve a fuck. Someone wants to think their taste is superior to mine? Be my guest! It’s why I always say that Dark Souls III is my favorite of the FromSoft games, and I don’t care if other people think less of me for it.
All of this makes it easier for me to love the weapon forms unabashedly. I have gotten over being a good little girl a few decades ago, and now I’m not a girl/woman/lady any longer. Yes, it’s in part because of the restrictions that are constantly being thrown in my face as to what a woman should and/or should not be.
I am not a violent person. However, I am not averse to using violence to protect myself. Violence is not a bad word, and it’s not something that to be avoided at all cost. I guess I would say action rather than violence because violence has a negative connotation to it, but it means the same thing. If someone is going to come at me with heat, then I’m going to match that heat and return it to sender.
That’s the basic premise of Taiji, by the way. Taking what is thrown at you and moving it back in the direction from whence it came. Not putting out any more effort than you absolutely need to, and being all around chill aboutt it.
I finished teaching myself the Fan Form today (right side, again), and I’m pleased that I knew most of it. I was not mad at myself for the chunks I had forgotten, which, in itself, has shown progress. Would I have liked to have not fucked it up? Yes, of course. But one thing my medical crisis has done for me is allowed me to give myself grace. Before it, Iwas very much a ‘beat myself up for every little mistake’ kind of person.
Since my medical crisis, I’m more of a ‘eh, I messed up. No biggie’ kind of person. Well, sometimes. I can still kick my own ass quite efficiently when I fuck up, but it’s not nearly as oppressive as it used to be. It’s as if my medical crisis…not that it gives me an excuse, but that it takes the pressure off me. My brain got damaged, man. What do you expect from me? Again, it’s not an excuse, but it is a reason. Especially for my memory being much shittier than it was before.
I’m glad I went back to re-teach myself the Fan Form because the parts I forgot gave it the flair that I thought was missing when I was practicing on the daily. It’s the reason I wanted to teach myself a different Fan Form because I thought ours was, dare I say it, a bit drab.
I was so wrong. It’s elegant and has flair–which I had conveniently dropped in my first time teaching myself. This is all for today; there will be more tomorrow.