I’m an idiot of the highest order. I have been feeling pretty shitty for three or four days, and I skipped two taiji classes over the weekend. Yesterday (Monday), I woke up feeling markedly better. Not my best, but better. Enough better to try taiji class. I was fine during the warm-ups which, as you may imagine, are gentle. Then, we got to the chi gong, and this is where I fucked up.
My teacher has told us more than once that if we’re sick, we have to be careful of breaking out into a heavy sweat. If it’s a light sweat, that’s fine. If it’s a heavy sweat, we should immediately quit. During chi gong, we did 6 of 8 postures. First three, no problems. Then, four, which is the most difficult, complicated, and involved. I immediately broke out into a heavy sweat and was shaky on my toes (literally. Most of the posture is done with the heels lifted). Normally, I do not have a problem standing on my toes, but yesterday, I was terrible. I almost fell over several times, and I was very hot and sweaty.
Here’s the thing. I knew immediately that I should stop, but I didn’t. Why? A few reasons. One, I’m very loath to appear like a quitter in front of other people. I phrased that very carefully because I am a quitter. I quit when things get hard because, well, again for several reasons. One, I am naturally good at many things. I never really had to learn how to persevere at something that I wasn’t good at because there were relatively few things that I *had* to learn in that manner. Two, my family of origin is not very forgiving of mediocrity. When I was in school, they never had anything to say when I got As, only when I got anything less than an A. I graduated college magna cum laude, and my mother said I would have graduated summa if I didn’t get a B in my Intro Psych class.
Years later, I confronted her about it, and she denied having said it. That’s her style, too. She’s an unreliable narrator who rewrites history and erases anything she doesn’t like. When I insisted she had said it, she still said she hadn’t, but if she had, she meant it to be comforting in case I was feeling bad about it not being summa. First off, I wasn’t feeling bad about it until she pointed it out. I was actually pretty damn proud. Secondly, why the hell would that be her first assumption? Thirdly, it actually makes sense once she put it that way. She runs on anxiety, and most of it is stuff she makes up out of thin air. Or she thinks if something bothers her, it would bother others at well. I see that now, but back then, it just stung.
Back to why I didn’t just stop. It was on Zoom, so I felt it would be even more obvious if I stopped. I’ve reached the point where in class, I’ll quietly drop out if I can’t physically do something, but on Zoom, I felt doubly self-conscious. I know it’s a me-thing and that most other people won’t notice/care, but it’s hard to break from the mentality that I’m letting down my family if I quit. It’s stupid. I know it is. Yet, it feels real, which is hard to break.
Another reason is that I’m tired of my limitations. I really am. I also have a hard time not thinking I can just push through it. Also a remnant of my childhood. In addition, because it’s as yet not diagnosed, I have a hard time feeling like I’m not just making it up. I’ve read a bit on invisible disabilities, and it’s a common feeling. Not to say I have a disability. Just that it’s hard not to feel like I’m overreacting when I have nothing concrete to point to. Then again, I feel like my life doesn’t matter in several ways, so this is part of that as well. But, it’s a real thing in the world that people look down on anyone who looks ‘healthy’ (or at least able-bodied) who says they have a disability or whatever.
To be clear: I don’t have a disability. I just have a really shitty immune system. And a host of other shitty things that don’t rise to the level of a disability. I know that if I get a cold or bronchitis or whatever, it’s going to last months. That’s just the way it is.
Side Note: I want to lose weight. I want to lose a lot of weight. I don’t give a shit about the health aspects, but I hate the way I look. Correction. I care a little about health because I don’t like being out of shape, but I care more about looks. Which is not a good reason to lose weight. And, as I’ve written about before, I don’t know how to do it without overdoing it.
I just hate that my body is so fragile and fucked up. I know it’s not my body’s fault, but it’s frustrating as hell. I’ve talked to my doctor about parts of it, but there was never any real solution. I wanted to be tested for gluten-intolerance, and my doctor said I had to have gluten in my system to test for it. Makes sense, but I didn’t want to do it. She also suggested seeing an allergist and/or a nutritionist. Both also make sense, but I just don’t want to do it. I had to get allergy shots when I was a kid, and my mother never explained to me why or how they worked. All I knew is once a week, I had to go to this place, get stabbed in the arm, and watch said arm swell up and become hot and itchy. Sometimes, I had a hard time breathing, and I was miserable. Would I have been less miserable if I had known what was happening? Probably not, but at least I would have known.
It’s the same when I get the allergy test done or the flu shot. With the former, my whole leg swells up, and I’m miserable for days. With the latter, I feel as if I have the flu. Yes, I know it’s not the flu, but it doesn’t feel good, either. My last doctor snapped at me for the last one saying it was better than being dead. Which, yes, true, but so is many things. I get what she was saying, but I wished doctors would at least empathize that something can truly suck while also being the necessary thing.
In general, I would like doctors to have more empathy. I understand for them it’s routine and their job, but for their patients, it’s their lives. I know my various food issues aren’t going to kill me, but that doesn’t mean it’s not miserable on the daily. As for my sinus issues. Again, they’re probably not going to kill me. However, they definitely makes life less enjoyable. Put the two together, and–by the way, the fact that this latest round of crud only lasted three or four days is probably because I haven’t done anything else in the meantime. I mean, I’m still feeling shitty, and I’ve had to take Excedrin Migraine (generic) for the last two days, but it’s still much better than usual.
I really need to listen to my body, though. I have the terrible habit of once I get a little better, then I act as if I’m at full strength again. This also ties back to my childhood, but I’m more than old enough to know better. I’m wiped out today, and it’s all my fucking fault. I’m going to lie low and see if I can not make it worse. That’s about all I can do at this point.