Talking more about how my brain (doesn’t) works. Here is my post from yesterday toxic positivity, toxic gender stereotypes, and why both of these things have made me struggle with burnout.
I started out this series by wainting to talk about how my neurodivergence led to my current threat of burnout, but then, as usual it exploded out of control from that point. By the way, I tend to use neurodivergence rather than autism because I know that my brain is wired differently, but I’m not sure in what specific way. I’m pretty sure it’s autism, but i have not been tested for it.
I am still kicking myself for not thinking it was even possible, but that’s really not on me. The stereotype of autism ever since it’s really entered society’s conscience is of an adolescent (or now, kid) white male who has no social skills, doesn’t like to be held or maintain eye contact, and is constantly stimming.
Side note: I am so tired of ‘but have you thought that maybe he’s just socially awkward?’ bullshit when a guy does something creepy. All the endless excuses that maybe he doesn’t know what he’s doing. But, no such grace that maybe the woman (and it’s almost always a woman) he’s creeping on is autistic herself and doesn’t need that shit.
Also, you can tell when someone is socially awkward in general versus them targeting a select few. Someone who is socially awkward is that way in general (as I said), and the level doesn’t change too much from person to person. When it’s a creeper, it’s much different and done with a laser-sharp focus.
Side note to the side note: This is one of the most frustrating things about being harassed–feeling like you have to prove it over and over again. There’s never enough evidence that it was harassment and not something else, short of broken bones (or broken other parts)–and sometimes not even then. When Me, Too was happening, so many men were making it about them. How they were scared to approach women and say anything to them.
I mean…what?! That’s your takeaway from #MeToo? How hard it is to be a man? But of course it was. It’s always about the man. That was the whole fucking problem in the first place. When there’s a shooting these days, my immediate thought is, “What pissed off man shot a place up again?” Because it is overwhelmingly men–and most of the time, white cis het men.
Yet, we never talk about it because…why? (Holds in a 2,000 word rant about patriarchy because I just cannot.)
When I read Ask A Manager, any time there’s a question about a man acting creepy at work, there will be a significant number of people saying, “Have you considered that he’s just socially awkward?” I really appreciate that Alison (the blog’s owner) has a rule about not diagnosing. And if you want to say you think it’s ‘social awkwardness’ instead of just plain creepiness, you have to explain how that would change the answer.
I really like those two rules because it stops people from just throwing out diagnoses like they were nothing. Also, Alison is very active as the moderator of her website, and she doesn’t brook any nonsense.
The thing is, it’s frustrating as fuck to hear the ‘but the social awkwardness, tho’ excuse endlessly trotted out for creepy men without an ounce of self-awareness. The fact that it’s other women who often say this only shows how deep the patriarchy runs. Gotta protect those hapless guys, you know, from even a hint of uncomfortableness.
Back to burnout–and, yes, these two things are linked. The same heavy societal strictures that make it the non-male person’s fault when they are assaulted is in the same vein as the shit I tell myself when I push myself to do more. It’s because I feel I’m not good enough as who I am–that I’m a lazy person who really needs to push harder.
As much as I rebel against it, it’s been so drilled into me that I can’t help but feel that way when I’m doing my Taiji/Bagua practice. In addition, there is so much I want to practice that I hdo tend to overdo it on the daily. My memory has been shit since my medical crisis, which is one reason that I practice so much every day.
The weirdest thing is when I’m practicing something I’ve done a hundred times and it suddenly disappears from my brain. I have being practicing the Sword Form for roughly fifteen years. Now, I do it once a week. That’s still close to a thousand times I’ve done it. I should be able to do it in my sleep, and yet, sometimes, I’ll suddenly forget a section of it. Small section–like three or four movements. I think it’s usually when I’m working on something on the left side, and then I think, “Am I doing it right on the right side?” And then I just mess myself up.
Today is the second day I’ve drastically scaled back my practice, and I felt so much better. I remember after my medical crisis, my teacher was very encouraging about me taking my time to remember my forms. Specifically the Double Saber Form as it was the last form I had taught myself. Recently, about two months ago, I was watching the video of the Double Saber Form, and I realized I had completely cut out one movement from the form. I was mad at myself, but I let it go and retaught it to myself.
I have to remind myself that it’s an ongoing process. It’s not one and done, and that I can always keep improving. The forms are not static, and they ca nchange and grow as I do. That’s one thing that could help me from getting too stuck and burned out.
I’m done for today. I will write more tomorrow and hopefully actually stick to the subject.