Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: toxic positivity

Feeling pleased with myself, part two

Posted on by • 0 Comments

I grew up in a Taiwanese household (though in America), which means that I was told repeatedly that everything I did/thought/was was wrong. I know that my family was particularly dysfunctional in addition to being extremely East Asian. (The latter at that time meant never saying anything positive about your child to your child.)

“You’re too loud.” “Don’t run.” “Sit with your legs crossed.”

My mom likes to recount a story of how when I was two, I chased my brother’s bullies away (he’s three years older). By the time I was seven, I consciously wanted to die. I had lost any spark I had for life–and I was but a pale copy of myself.

I spent the next thirty years absolutely hating myself. I wanted to die–or rather, I did not want to be alive. There’s a slight, but distinctive difference between the two. I was not suicidal*, but I would not have minded if I got, say, hit by a bus. I aws fast and loose with my life, which changed when I had my medical crisis.**

For a year or two after my medical crisis, I was simply grateful to be alive. It was a miracle (as I was told over and over again), and I felt it in my heart.

But, as you know, any kind of big feeling cannot last forever. It’s inevitable that it’s going to fade over time. How do I feel now? I’m not feeling life at the moment. Partly for personal reasons, but more so because of the state of the world. Many times, I’ve felt like, “I came back for this?!!” It’s been really difficult, especially this past year, and I am just not sure I’m up for it.

I don’t want to live in this world. I know we all have to work to make it better, but I feel beaten down and why bother? Look. I’ve been a lefty since I was born, basically. In ideology, I am about as far left as you can get. I’m more pragmatic in real life, but in my dream world, I’m almost a communist. I’m definitely an anarchist at heart, if not in practice.

Well. That was not what I was going to write about.

So let me switch over with no segue because that is how I fucking roll.

I was writing yesterday about how hard it was to gauge how well I was doing with my Taiji and Bagua because I have nothing to judge it against. My teacher’s classmates have all been studying songer than I have (though maybe not by much), so it’s not really fair to me to judge by them. On the other hand, none of my classmates do weapons. Wait. There’s one person, but he’s just started, so it wouldn’t be fair to him to compare myself to him.


Continue Reading

Not knowing where and when to draw the line, part five

Posted on by • 0 Comments

This is yet another post about limits, boundaries, and when to push it and when to rest. In the last post, I touched on not knowing when to do the former and when to do the latter. I will delve further into that concept in this post. Let’s start with Bagua. I’m much more comfortable with keeping my weight back, but it still catches me off-guard from time to time. Early on, I asked my teacher how she remembered what she was doing when (Taiji versus Bagua). She said that she just got used to it and kept them separated in her mind. At the time, I didn’t understand, but now I do.

If I’m doing Taiji, then I’m doing Taiji. I’m primarily forward (meaning my weight is forward), and I’m being receptive of energy. I’m not trying to go hard or be in your face. In fact, I’m just chill and letting the energy flow through me. It’s very much vibes based and not doing too much. Most people can do Taiji (Yang-style, not Chen-style. The latter is really bad for your knees) as long as they just take it slowly and do not try to push themselves hard.

Bagua, on the other hand, I would not recommend to just anyone. If we’re just going by feel, Bagua feels dangerous. In fact, my teacher says that in CHina, people are wary of people who study Bagua. I don’t know how true that is, but I could see it being very true. There’s an aggression to Bagua that is completely absent in Taiji.

When I first started studying Bagua, I wondered how I would be able to make peace with how different they were. I had been studying Taiji up to that point, and the whole vibe of Taiji is to just be chill and not exert yourself too much. Empty step and never be double-weighted.

Bagua doesn’t care about any of that. The motto and mentality of Bagua are to do what it takes to ‘win’. Double-weighted? No matter. No empty stepping? Not a big deal! Take the aggression and run with it. In fact, start the aggression yourself. It’s explosive and a great way to rid myself of any anger I’m feeling (even if it’s only for a few seconds).

Like the yin-yang, Taiji and Bagua are polar opposites that complement each other. One is hot and one is cold. One is light and one is dark. One is day and one is night. They could not be more different from each other, and yet, tthey work really well together.


Continue Reading

When to push limits and when to CTFO, part four

Posted on by • 0 Comments

I’m back to write more about limits, boundaries, and toxic positivity–maybe. That’s what I wanted to write about in the last post, but then I wandered down the road of talking about my poor memory. I am going to get back on track now and write abotu what I said I wanted to write about, but we’ll see how long that lasts.

Despite all the blathering I’ve done about being negative about pushing too hard, I’m not totally against it. I know you have to push yourself at times to get shit done. I especially have to do so because I tend to lean towards inertia. When K used to live here, we got together maybe once a month, usually to go out dancing. It took me quite some time to get ready to go. We usually did it like this. Let’s say we were meeting at eight. I would think about getting ready about six-thirty, but I could not make myself do it until seven or seven-thirty. It only took me ten minutes to get ready to go (I didn’t weear makeup at all), so that made it easier for me to drag my feet.

I would leave at twenty to eight because it took fifteen to twenty minutes to make it to K’s house. Then, I would sit on her bed for fifteen to twenty minutes and watch as she agonizehd over what to wear. We were both depressed people, and it took a lot of effort to get us moving. She would usually ask her husband to help pick out an outfit because he had a great sense of style while I just sat there, amused. We would rarely leave her house before a half hour after we agreed to go out. I was fine with it once I realized it was just the way she was.

One of my funniest memories of us going out was the one rare time when we were going to something in St. Paul, which was closer to me than her. So we decided that she would come to my house rather than the other way around. At eight (when we were supposed to meet), just as I was thinking about getting dressed, my doorbell rang. I was flustered as I realized she had come early (for her). In fact, that’s what I blurted out to her as I opened the door–“You’re early!” I’m afraid I said it in an accusatory tone (though I did not mean it that way).

“I’m on time!” She said immediately. “Which is early for you!” It was a thoughtless reply on my part, but fortunately, she laughed. We had been besties for long enough to be able to joke like that.


Continue Reading

When do you know you’ve reached your limits, part three

Posted on by • 0 Comments

I have one more post in me to talk about limits, sunken cost fallacy, and American toxic exceptionalism. Yes, I know it’s American exceptionalism and toxic positivity, but they are one and the same to me. It’s not that I don’t think you shouldn’t strive to do well–wait. Let’s stop there a second. I have to qualify it by saying that it’s good to try to improve yourself. That’s what I’m doing with the different weapon forms. But, in other ways, I have no desire. Like jobwise, I just don’t care. Then, there’s my personal flaws. I want to improve some of them, but others, I have just accepted. I know I’m not changing them, and that is perfectly fine.

The problem is when people feel like everything you do has to somehow work as an improvement factor. Like taking your kids to the park, you should walk briskly so you get in some exercise. It’s beacuse in America, most people are so busy. They need to squeeze in exercise whenever and wherever they can. So many Mom magazines includes ways to use your baby in your exercising.

Which, I mean. I’m sure it’s practical, but not every moment has to be a learning/teaching/exercise moment. This is something I have learned with Taiji. (And now, to a lesser extent, Bagua.) I chose it because it was the lazy person’s martial art. My teacher expressly tells us that the purpose is to exert as little energy as possible in order to have as maximum an output of energy as possible. She talked at length about how bad the American ‘give 110%’ mentality was, and I slowly came to agree with her.

I had a classmate back when I first started who told me an aggravating story. He said that every spring, he would feel inspired to run. Now, mind, he did nothing to prepare for that throughout the year. He would just go out and run like ten miles on the first day of spring that he felt was warm enough to run outside. Inevitably, he would pull a muscle and then not be able to run for the rest of the spring. He did this year after year, and then was always surprised when he injured himself on his first day out.

It’s so American, though. The belief that you have to hurt yourself when you exercise, otherwise you’re not exercising hard enough. “No pain, no gain” is one credo. So is, “Give 110%.” The latter really annoyed me beceause you literally cannot give 110%. I know it’s just a saying , but it’s always bothered me, anyway. It’s been known for quite some time that you cannot give your all at all times. Not just that–it’s not optimal to always push to do your best. Let me draaaaaag out another hoary chestnut–“Don’t let perfection be the enemy of good.”


Continue Reading

Take me at my word

Posted on by • 0 Comments

I realized a few decades ago that many people are not comfortable with plain speaking. I don’t mean brutal honesty because I am not into that, but I do mean speaking without euphemisms. I started saying I was fat because I am. I don’t like ‘plump’ or ‘zaftig’ or ‘fluffy’. I don’t hate them, either, but they’re too vague for me. ‘Fat’ is a good, solid word. There’s nothing hidden about it. To me, it’s a neutral term, though I understand that other people don’t like it. I only use it to describe myself, not other people (unless they are like-minded).

Another term is old. I use it for myself in the RKG Discord because I’m definitely on the old side. I don’t think 53 is that old, but it’s ancient in gaming. I mean, the kids are complaining when they hit thirty of being old, so, yeah.

A concept that I get push back for is something I mentioned in yesterday’s post: My parents don’t love me. I used to say that they loved the concept of their daaughter, but I’m not even sure that is true any longer. Heer’s the thing. They should not have been parents. I don’t think they actually wanted to be parents, but it was drummed in their heads (back in the last millennium in Taiwan) that they had to do it.

My father did it for saving face purposes. That was what real men did. Got married and have kids. Fuck around on the side. Provide money for the family, which was all he needed to do. In his mind, anyway. And if my mother pushed back on aynthing he did (like spank my brother), then he petulantly said that he wouldn’t do anything at all.

I knew fairly early on that he did not want to be a father. My mother, on the other hand, had stated quite plainly that she always wanted to be a mother, that it was the most important thing in the world to her. It was all she wanted (so she said out loud), but it isn’t reflected in her actions. Or rather, she did the shit that she thought a mother was supposed to do (cooking, cleaning, sewing). She also pushed my brother and me to do all the things she thought a kid was supposed to do. In my case, it was dance (tap, ballet, jazz), an instrument (first, piano for a few years and then cello for seven or eight, the latter which included orchestra), ping-pong, T-ball/softball, volleyball), and I did try to get into acting, but that was for me. It’s so stereotypically Tiger Mom that my mother didn’t think my brother or I should have a second to breathe.


Continue Reading

No, you cannot

Posted on by • 0 Comments

“You can be/do anything you want!”

No, you can’t.

I was watching Glow Up (because I have run out of gentle competition shows to watch and reluctanctly gave it a shot. It’s not bad, but it’s so out of my interest zone. I think there is a lot of art on display, but the restrictions of the medium irritate me. Such as all the models are thin and stereotypically pretty. And that while the judges urge the makeup artists (MUAs) to be creative, it’s within a very limited scope. VERY limited. Also, while I appreciate that Val is passionate, she borders on being a caricature with her Ding. DONG! and other catch phrases) and more than one person uttered this banal phrase.

“You can do anything you want.”

NO YOU CAN’T.

I understand wanting to bolster kids’ esteems, but giving them false promises is not the way to do it. Look. I knew from since I was a little kid that I could not be president.

“Minna,” I hear you say. “You could be president if you want! Anyone can be president.”

Or, “Minna. That’s being ridiculous. Most people can’t be president.”

That’s my point. There are things I can’t be. Yes, technically, I could be president, but let’s be real. America is not ready to elect a fat, queer, areligious Asian AFAB person who defies all definition. Hell, i’m not ready to elect me. You may say it’s a technicality, but I say it’s reality. We weren’t ready to elect an established white woman, for fuck’s sake! No way in hell I could ever be elected. I realized this at a very young age, so it exposed ‘you can be anything’ as a lie.

It’s a form of gaslighting, honestly.


Continue Reading

Empty positivity is toxic

Posted on by • 0 Comments

I hate positive mantras with a passion. Or rather, I hate empty positive mantras with a passion. It’s been a bugaboo all my life–positive affirmations that had no basis in reality. I know that there have been studies that say that positive affirmations are, ahem, a positive thing and that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT, which I hate) uses them, but I disagree vehemently. And in Googling it, I found this article that pretty much says exactly what I was going to write, so go read that instead.

Only kidding. Come back. Please! I was reading one of my stories this morning, Care and Feeding, which has a subsection of Ask a Teacher. There is one teacher who responds who I think gives the most schlocky advice ever–and sees things from a cis het white male (liberal, yes, but still) point of view. I’m not saying he’s all of those things, but that’s how he comes across.

I read the question about how to help a child deal with bullies using positive mantras (CRINGE) and then started reading the response without checking who wrote it. As I continued, I knew. It was him. Not only because of his writing style, but because of his positivity bullshit, which is a big component of his responses.

Side note: America is so caught up in toxic positivity and believing that we have much more control in our personal lives than we actually do. “We can think it into being” is such bullshit and a neat way to keep people perpetually oppressed. Your life is shitty? It’s your fault because you didn’t believe hard enough.

Side Note to the Side Note: This is one of my issues with Christianity. Anything goes wrong, it’s your fault. You should pray to God to help you, but if He doesn’t, then you just didn’t believe enough. There’s no accountability there. Much like toxic positivity. It’s a neat trick as it puts all the blame on the person and not on, say society.

I will give him credit for ‘What is wrong with you?” as a response to bullies. I don’t have a problem with that one. But the ones like, “My future is bright. Bullies can’t stand that.” and “You tease me because you fear me.”? Hard no. Not only because it’s not true, but because that’s just going to make the beatdown/ostracization worse.

Want to know what worked best for me? When a girl in my high school teased me every day in homeroom, I tried to ignore her. I was also given that as advice, and, guess what? It never worked. So when this girl teased me (and I still remember her name and face) for months on end, I snapped. I grabbed her by the hair, yanked her head back, and told her that I would fucking kill her if she ever bothered me again. She tried to scoff and say that I looked foolish, but I saw the fear in her eyes. I replied that she was the fool as I let her head go.

She never bothered me again. I wished the takeaway from that would have been that I could stand up for myself and not be pushed around. Instead, I was mortified that I had lost control and castigated myself for years after that.

Decades ago, K (my BFF) and I were at a bar, grousing about platitudes. Why? Who knows? That’s just how we roll. I really hate ‘that which does not kill you makes you stronger’, in part because it’s so smarmy, but mostly because it’s flat-out untrue. Like when women used to say it was different when you had your own kids (that I would automatically love them). Which is bullshit, right? Obvious bullshit! There are plenty of people who hate their own children and/or abuse them.


Continue Reading

An ordinary life

Posted on by • 0 Comments

Before I landed in the hospital, I had a pretty boring. life. We’re putting aside the pandemic because that wreaked havoc on everyone. I will say that it affected me less than it did many people because I had worked from home before the pandemic and spent 90% of my time alone, anyway. I ordered food from Amazon, attended Zoom Taiji classes, and only went out once a month to get my meds. In other words, my life wasn’t that much different than pre-pandemic, except for levels of anxiety.

You hear about people who did all sorts of amazing things during the pandemic. Learned a new trade or craft, for example. Making sourdough bread seemed to be a big deal for a hot minute. There was so much crap about improving yourself and what the fuck ever. In the middle of a pandemic, most people were just trying not to lose their shit. But, it’s the American mentality to think you have to make something out of nothing, even during a pandemic.

I hate the saying, “That  which does not kill you makes you stronger.” It’s saying that going through tough times is actually good for you. I’m not arguing about the veracity of the statement, but more about the smug tone in which it is usually said. Also ,the strident ignoring of the terrible thing that the person went through to get to the point of being stronger. Also, not every thing has to be a teachable moment, but that’s a lesser point.

K and I were once in a bar and discussing this very saying. It was probably 25 years ago, but I still haven’t forgotten the conversation. I was grousing about this saying for whatever reason. Intellectually, I know it’s just twaddle and that I should ignore it. For whatever reason, however, whenever I hear it, I want to rake my eyes out.

I grumbled that it’s such bullshit and puts the burden on the victim to be the better person. Which is abusive in my eyes. And it’s toxic positivity by denying that something awful has happened. I know it doesn’t have to be that way, but that’s usually what it ends up being.

We kicked the saying around a bit. I came up with, “That which does not kill you does not kill you.” I thought it was better, but it still didn’t express exactly what I meant. It was clunky and skirted around the point. We chewed it over a bit longer and K came up with, “That which does not kill you still fucking sucks.” “Perfect!” said I. And lo, it was done. I still use that saying because it expresses my feeling succinctly.


Continue Reading

Fuck forgiveness

Posted on by • 0 Comments

I was reading my stories this morning (advice columns) and there was one that touched on the question of forgiveness. The columnist said something to the effect of saying he would forgive the person if it was him (and the situation had to do with healing a rift so it was applicable) and I inevitably flinched. He went on to say that it didn’t mean having to be BFF (and after validating that he would be angry in the situation as well. Think Covid exposure and lying), but that forgiveness can help the letter writer (LW) move on. He finished by saying it’s for the person doing the forgiveness, not the one being forgiven.

I hate that bullshit. I really do.

Let me clarify. I do believe that getting stuck in your anger isn’t good. I do believe moving on eventually is what’s best. But, and this is a huge but, I don’t like papering it over with the word forgiveness. Why? Because to me, forgiveness is often meant to hurry people past the righteous angry phase.

I was talking to my mother the other night about Covid. They had a sudden outbreak in Taiwan, but with a strict response from the government, they managed to contain it after a few months. They reached 800 cases a day at their peak and are down to less than 20 a day. It was difficult to be fully sympathetic to my mother when she complained about lockdown because we were fourteen months into our own dealing with the pandemic. So, on the one hand, I could think about the first few months of the pandemic and sympathize with her fear. On the other hand, I was so exhausted from our own situation, it was hard to be completely sympathetic to her.


Continue Reading

Positive affirmations and gaslighting myself

Posted on by • 0 Comments

I hate positive affirmations and I always have. In the past, I haven’t quite been able to articulate why although I could say what I thought the effects of it and toxic positivity/individualism in general were. It makes it very easy to blame the masses for problems that start at the top. Let me explain. Telling people to vote and that each vote makes a difference is under this umbrella. Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t vote and in the general sense, yes, each vote matters. But the emphasis around election time on each individual vote is disingenuous because in the end, it’s the system that matters more than the individual votes. So, yes, I can do my civic duty and vote (which I have), but that’s just propping up the status quo. Yes, it’s urgent to get this president out of office, but his presidency has outlined many of the problems with the system in general and how we take for granted that the president will act like a normal human being with a sense of decency.

Look. Does he need to be shunned from polite society? Yes. Should he ever have been made president? No. In fact, his being president highlights another problem with the system–how the Electoral College is an antiquated system that needs to be refined or trashed completely. But, with the exception of Obama, I haven’t been excited to vote for any of the Democratic candidates on the ballot for president. I’ve done it, of course (except voting for Nader instead of Clinton in 1996 after waiting to see enough returns to realize Clinton would carry MN), but being told that it’s more important to have any warm Democratic body as president rather than to have a GOOD Democrat as president is an indication of a broken system.

It’s difficult to fix a whole political system, however. It’s much easier to place an outsized sense of importance on each individual vote AND it’s easier to feel satisfied you’ve actually done something by voting rather than working on improving the system which may or may not be a lost cause.


Continue Reading