I grew up in a Taiwanese household (though in America), which means that I was told repeatedly that everything I did/thought/was was wrong. I know that my family was particularly dysfunctional in addition to being extremely East Asian. (The latter at that time meant never saying anything positive about your child to your child.)
“You’re too loud.” “Don’t run.” “Sit with your legs crossed.”
My mom likes to recount a story of how when I was two, I chased my brother’s bullies away (he’s three years older). By the time I was seven, I consciously wanted to die. I had lost any spark I had for life–and I was but a pale copy of myself.
I spent the next thirty years absolutely hating myself. I wanted to die–or rather, I did not want to be alive. There’s a slight, but distinctive difference between the two. I was not suicidal*, but I would not have minded if I got, say, hit by a bus. I aws fast and loose with my life, which changed when I had my medical crisis.**
For a year or two after my medical crisis, I was simply grateful to be alive. It was a miracle (as I was told over and over again), and I felt it in my heart.
But, as you know, any kind of big feeling cannot last forever. It’s inevitable that it’s going to fade over time. How do I feel now? I’m not feeling life at the moment. Partly for personal reasons, but more so because of the state of the world. Many times, I’ve felt like, “I came back for this?!!” It’s been really difficult, especially this past year, and I am just not sure I’m up for it.
I don’t want to live in this world. I know we all have to work to make it better, but I feel beaten down and why bother? Look. I’ve been a lefty since I was born, basically. In ideology, I am about as far left as you can get. I’m more pragmatic in real life, but in my dream world, I’m almost a communist. I’m definitely an anarchist at heart, if not in practice.
Well. That was not what I was going to write about.
So let me switch over with no segue because that is how I fucking roll.
I was writing yesterday about how hard it was to gauge how well I was doing with my Taiji and Bagua because I have nothing to judge it against. My teacher’s classmates have all been studying songer than I have (though maybe not by much), so it’s not really fair to me to judge by them. On the other hand, none of my classmates do weapons. Wait. There’s one person, but he’s just started, so it wouldn’t be fair to him to compare myself to him.
Watching anyone on YouTube is a dicey project. One, anyone can say anything online. There really is no way to vet their credentials. Anyone can claim to be a master even if they’ve only been practicing for a year or two. At this point, I can tell when someone is a novice, intermediate, or a master, but I would not be able to pinpoint to what degree they are in which category.
I will say that a lot of people claiming many years of practice are talking shit. Every time I look for videos of the form I want to study, I come across so many of people claiming to be masters doing really sloppy forms. I would say I find more of those than I do of actual masters doing the forms properly.
I’m excited that I can tell the difference!
But, I’m not confident that I can tell the difference enough. What I mean is that I can tell that something is either good or bad, yes. I can tell that something is really good or really bad, too. But when we get into the middle area, I am a bit iffier on that. I have made it a rule to send any video to my teacher to get her approval before teaching myself any new form. She has told me it’s not necessary because she trusts me to make the right chocie. I appreciate that, but it’s not just that I’m doing it for her approval (though that is a part of it). I’m also doing it because I need her to vet which onesa are legit and which aren’t.
I’ll also send her a video of a weapon form if I just think it’s really cool–even if it’s not one I’m going to learn. She always watches each one and gives her opinion on them, which I appreciate.
I was touched when she said she trusted me and that I did not need to get her approval to teach myself a new weapon form. I can’t break out of it, though. It’s the Asian way, and though I am not very Asian in most ways, that’s one way in which I am. It’s not bad, though it does surprise me. I’m not very hierarchal minded for the most part. in fact, I’m very much for stomping out needless hierarchies. This one, though, I can’t shake it.
As I said, I don’t think that’s a bad thing.
When my teacher told me that she put me in the same category as Jim (her classmate who is so into weapons, he designed his own sword unsheathing form), I was incredibly flattered. It really made me rethink how I thought about myself in terms of weapons. And I understood that she didn’t mean as far as how many weapon forms I’ve learned or level, but in terms of my love for weapon forms and my dedication to them.
I was just going along thinking that I was a scrub who happened to like weapon forms. It took my teacher complimenting me in order for me to realize that teaching myself weapon forms did mean that I was pretty dedicated to the weapons. And, yeah, I am not a master (by any means), but I am pretty good at handling my weapons.
I’m going to try to be patient teaching myself the Bagua Knives Form, but we’ll see how long that lasts.
*Ehhhhhhhh. It’s debatable. Let’s call it a passive feeling.
**To an extent.