I have been practicing Taiji for roughly fifteen years. I practice for half an hour to forty-five minutes a day, which is up from five minutes, begrudgingly, several years into my practice. In fact, I started attending a second class a week (and then a third) because I couldn’t make myself practice on the daily. Once I broke the seal, so to speak, I added more and more to my daily routine until I couldn’t think of doing anything before doing my morning Taiji routine.
I bring this up for background. I wanted to learn a martial art to defend myself. I carry myself in a manner that will put off 90% of attackers. I am solid with a hard stare and a broad frame. I wear sunglasses when I am outside (and all black), which adds to the whole look. One time I was out to eat with my bestie. Afterwards, as we were walking back to the car, there was a woman tottering towards her car on heels that were making it hard for her to walk, her arms laden with shopping bags, and she was fumbling with her keys. I immediately thought, “I could take her” because she was so oblivious to her surroundings. I realized that I did not want to be like that and even though my demeanor put off most people (90% as I mentioned earlier), I needed something to back me up for that last ten percent.
I hated it for the first year. The Solo Form, I mean. It hurt my legs and my back, and it made me want to be doing anything but the Solo Form. I was frank with my teacher how I felt about it, but i knew somewhere deep inside that it would do me good. How or when, I didn’t know, but I believed that. And my teacher told me to hang in there with her; she assured me that it would eventually grow on me. I must say that that particular form never grew on me. I still don’t like it, which is too bad because her teacher brought it back after a long hiatus (with tweaks). The Medium Solo Form (that’s the Long Solo Form) is much preferable and enjoyable to me. It also doesn’t hurt me, which is a bonus. The Medium Form is the basis for the Fast Form, which is really fun.
Anyway, I didn’t really get into Taiji until–weapons. My teacher urged me to try a sword for over a year with me resisting her mightily. I was horrified at the thought of weapons because I was not a violent person. My teacher tried to convince me that doing weapons was not a signifier of being a violent person.
I held firm. I was not going to do weapons. Then, she pressed a wooden sword into my hand and told me just to hold it. The instant my hand s closed around the hilt, I fell in love. I could not get enough of it. My teacher’s teacher’s studio had their annual Chinese New Year demo and there was a person there selling swords. I looked them over and gravitated towards the one on top. He told me it was the most expensive one, which is not a surprise. I have good taste. I bought it and it became my beloved weapon and I still have it. I rationalized buying it because I would have it for all my life, which has been true thus far.
A funny thing is that when I mention my weapons on Twitter, someone inevitably tells me to be careful and not cut myself. A bunch more make jokes about being afraid of me with weapons, but that’s just joking. I don’t get the people telling me to be careful. First of all, it’s a bit patronizing. I somehow doubt they would say the same thing to a man. Secondly, I use wooden weapons or blunted steel weapons. I am not going to hurt myself. Yes, I might smack myself and I have. Or I might hit a lamp and I have. But I have never hurt myself with one of my weapons.
The weapons have become my thing, much to my surprise. I went from vowing I would never touch a weapon to wanting to learn all the weapons all the time. Somehow, during the pandemic, I kicked into another gear and learned at a much faster rate. My teacher’s teacher has videos of him doing various weapons forms, which have been immensely helpful to me in my own tutelage.
My teacher recently told me that weapons weren’t really her thing. It surprised me because she had never said as much to me. She always responded to my enthusiasm for weapons with her own enthusiasm, Later, though ,I realized that she never offered her own love for the weapons, which increased my respect for her. She doesn’t have to love them in order to teach them. With the videos by her teacher supplementing her teaching, I’ve learned a lot of weapons–and not all are Taiji.
The point is that while I started Taiji in order to be able to back up my attitude with actual skill, there has been a surprise benefit–the way I’ve been able to shore up my mental health.
One thing I’ve talked with my teacher about is how Taiji has helped my relationships. Let’s face it. I am probably never going to get into a physical fight. Hopefully, I will never have to defend myself, either. But interpersonal relationships? Yeah, I have to deal with those as much as anyone else does. And right now, I am really feeling the family dysfunction.
But to back up from that a moment–Taiji has helped me with my family issues in the past. Before Taiji, my relationship with my parents was…terrible. We were always at loggerheads and any conversation deteriorated into an argument. I remember the last time I went to Taiwan (I think ten years ago? Maybe fifteen?), I was dragged there against my will. I didn’t want to go, but my mother basically guilted me into going. I was deeply suicidal while there and had to actively stop myself from walking into the ocean.
Through what I call mental Taiji, I was able to claw back from that. I no longer thought I was toxic although I wasn’t thinking I was a boon, either. Hey, being neutral was a massive improvement over thinking me being alive was a drain on the world. How did I come to that conclusion in the first place? A long history of family dysfunction! Partly cultural in that you’re made to feel that you’re an imposition and partly just pure family bullshit.
About seven or eight years into studying Taiji, I realized that I was more chill in my relationships (especially with my parents). I was able to see them for what they really were and realize that they were not going to change. It sounds depressing, but it was actually liberating. I didn’t have to try, futilely, to make them love me. I could just let it go and accept them as they are. That made it easier to deal with them then why I was trying to get them to see who I really was.
I have to say that having them around all the time has caused all the issues to flare up once again. It’s harder for me to shrug off the dysfunction when it’s in my face 24/7. Or having my way of life questioned on the daily. It’s infuriating especially by someone who has no clue what he’s talking about nor any memory that we’ve had the exact same discussion several times already.
For example, my eating habits. Which are really none of their business. I’ve explained to my father time and time again that I prefer to eat throughout the day rather than three big meals. They’re old school. Meat at every meal and a big plate full of carbs. Whereas I prefer to eat something like this. Get up, Taiji routine, take care of cat, eat orange. A few hours later, dairy-free yogurt. A few hours later, a microwave dinner. A few hours later, some fruit. A few hours later, rice, steamed veggies, and roasted chicken. I was trying to cut back on my meat consumption before I landed in the hospital, but that went by the wayside in a hurry.
Anyway, my father questioned whether I was getting enough nutrients or not. Given that he probably couldn’t name any nutrients and that he doesn’t do any cooking himself, I was not in the mood to hear it. I have fed myself for over thirty years and I can do it for another thirty if I live that long.
We are coming up on three weeks until I am blessedly by myself once again. As with many things, the end bit is the hardest. I don’t know exactly why, but I think it’s because the finish line is in sight. I’m so close that I can’t wait to get there.
I have decided that I will donate a dollar to Planned Parenthood every time I want to snap. I’ll jot it down and then send the total amount at the end of the three weeks. I toyed with the idea of doubling the amount for every sexist comment uttered. I don’t want to go broke, though ,so I decided not to do that. So far, we’re up to four dollars and I just decided this a few hours ago. Might as well put my irritation to some good.