Let’s talk more about Taiji weapons just because I can. And because I’m obsessed with them. In yesterday’s post, I was talking about how I wished I could find a forum in which I could talk about the joys of the weapons rather than the minutiae, the forms themselves, or things in that vein. It’s not that those aren’t important; they are. It’s more that I want to talk about the art rather than the martial aspects most of the time.
I am so close to having finished teaching myself the Swimming Dragon Form in Bagua, hands only. I can’t help but anticipate the next step–which is to teach myself the Swimming Dragon Form with Deerhorn Knives. Or…the form in the video I included below. It’s Sifu doing his Pa Kua Knives Form, and it’samazing. The first minute is the walking the circle meditation that my teacher taught me and that I do every day (with variations). The whole form is only two minutes and twenty-five seconds, which is hard for me to grasp.
Here’s the thing. The forms are short in general. I can’t think of one that is more than maybe five minutes (Sword Form). They’re not meant to be long; they’re just comprehensive enough to show all the things you need to know from that form. Or not even all, but enough of them.
Today, I messed around with two fans. There is an actual Double Fan Form, so I will learn it properly when I get to it. I also found out that Master Liang (my teacher’s teacher’s teacher) has a (very blurry) Double Sword Form with Tassels video that maybe I could adapt to doing without the tassels. He liked to do all his forms with tassels as he was really into the performative aspects of the forms.
The weapon forms with tassels are more dififcult because you have to keep the tassels going the whole time. That means there’s always a part of your brain focused on keeping the tassels spinning. At some point, I should probably learn a weapon with tassels as it’s an important part of our lineage.
I’m also getting used to my karambit/fan combination as I practice more and more with them. I’ve experimenting with varying the speeds because the karambit is a fast weapon (as a dagger) whereas the fan is a slower one. Not slow, but slower. I like the idea of going fast, then slow, then fast yet again. I want to mess with the tempo more because most weapon forms don’t seem to do that. It’s the playful side of me that I don’t often get to let loose.
I feel like the world is my oyester when it comes to the weapons. It’s as if the training wheels are off along with the blinders, and I finally can see what I am meant to be–and do.
I don’t know why it took me this long to feel as if I had the right to talk about the weapons–and to create my own form. Well, yes, I do, and I wrote about it at length (and rambling) before. It’s imposter syndrome and the fact that I wasn’t supposed to ever think I was good at anything other than being my mother’s emotional support person.
In addition, it’s not usually the thing you think of when Taiji comes to mind. Weapons, I mean. It’s in my nature to be as contrary as possible, but I swear to god it’s not on purpose. It’s not like I’m deliberately choosing to do the opposite of what is expected of me, though my mom would disagree with that sentiment.
It’s a chicken and the egg situation, really, in that it’s hard to say what came first. Is it my nature to be more drawn to things that are outside the norm? Yes. Is it partly self-defense considering the mind games my mother has played with me concerning femininity and what I was supposed to be as a woman? Yes.
Do I not like things that are traditionally considered feminine becauseI’ve been told that I’m supposed to do them because I was (perceived as) a woman? Or do I not like them because I just don’t like them? I would answer yes to both of those as well.
Even when I was in my single digits, I did not like typically feminine things such as the color pink, cooking, and playing with dolls. this was not superimposed on me by society or me rebelling– I wouldn’t dare rebel because I knew something bad would happen to me if I did.
This is something I talk to my friends all the time. I think it’s great that trad fem things are now considered cool (like knitting, crocheting, cooking, etc.). There is no reason they should be held in lower esteem than, say, sports or cars.
It’s the same with make-up and fashion. They have gone from being frivolous things that only silly girls cared about to serious (and lucrative) business. I’m not going to get into a diatribe on how this seemed to come about only when more men have gotten into both, but I certainly am thinking it.
I don’t like either, though, and I feel like we’ve swung back in the other direction in that those of us who don’t care about either are looked down upon–especially those of us who are perceived as women.
I have no interest in either, and I resent the pressure from society that I’m deficient because I don’t care about them and that I should care.
This is why I get hung up on gender stuff. Why does the fact that I have a pussy and tits mean that I should care about fashion and make-up? This is why I have chosen agender (for now). Gender does not matter to me except that I know I’m not a man. Other than that, though, I just don’t care about it. I only think about it beacuse others focus on it so much. In other words, I can’t escape it.
This is another reason I love martial arts weapons. It does not matter my gender when I move a weapon in the air. I can wield a fan as well as a saber, and the weapon cares not one whit what my gender is.
That’s it for now. More tomorrow.