As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, my teacher told me that her teacher (Sifu) had mentioned that you could do the Sword Form with two swords, one in each hand. I have a feeling that she told me this before because when I tried it, I felt a sense of deja vu. Which might be real or not.
At any rate, it’s pretty awkward. I’m not sure I’m doing it right, but I’m also not sure how I’m supposed to do it. The note from my teacher’s teacher (via my teacher) was that the helping hand was as important as the main hand. That meant I should concentrate on the helping hand , but It feels awkward to do the helping hand movements with a sword.
Also, my brain doesn’t do well with trying to do two things as once. I mean, I can multitask as far as listening to music and writing at the same time. As long as I don’t get drawn into the lyrics. But because of my brain damage, I have a hard time doing two separate things with my hands. At least with the two swords doing the (Solo) Sword Form. The Double Saber Form is meant to be done with two sabers, so it makes sense. Trying to do the helping hand movements with a sword is hurting my brain.
I’ll keep trying, though. It may be that it has to click at some point, and I have to give it time. I am used to being able to do things from the start, and if I don’t, then I give up. It’s a lasting legacy from being gifted. Things came easily to me for the most part, so I didn’t develop the fortitude to persevere. Plus, my parents had a bad habit of criticizing me immediately whenever I did something wrong. Or in the case of my father, making fun of me for messing up.
Because of that, I am hypersensitive to making mistakes in front of other people. I feel ashamed, stupid, and like a failure when that happens. Even though intellectually I know that everyone makes mistakes, it’s been beaten into my head that this is not something I’m allowed to do. And if I do mess up, then I should 1. endlessly ruminate over it in order to prevent myself from doing it in the future; 2. should strive not to ever do it again at all costs; 3. feel like a shitheel for dong it in the first place.
I’ve told this story several times. When K was separated from her husband, she talked about it with her mother who said, “K, you will be fine. If you end up divorcing, you will be fine. If you stay together, you will be fine.” I laughed ruefully because my mother would say the exact opposite. She would bring up all the reasons why I would not be fine if I left my (hypothetical) husband and all the reasons why I would not be fine if I stayed with him.
I understand that she feels more in control if she can spin out all the ways things can go wrong. It’s a false sense of security, and she’s been doing it all her life. It’s her anxiety at play, and she imbued the same sense of existential dread in me. I can think of a million reasons why anything is the wrong thing to do, and I really have to talk myself down when I get in a state.
This has led to me being a quitter. Sometimes, that’s not a bad thing. Other times, I quit too soon because I can’t stand how awful I feel when I’m not good at something. I do not have a resolve. Ugh. That’s not the word I mean. I’m trying to think of it-when you have the inner–fortitude! That’s the word. I don’t have the fortitude to persevere when I should.
On the other hand, I sometimes have a misplaced sense of stick-to-it-ness that I should shed when it’s good for me. this is part of the problem; I don’t know when to hold them and when to fold them. I don’t know when to walk away, and I don’t know when to run. No ide why that song popped into my brain, but there we go.
Stubborn and obsessed? Yes. It’s not completely a bad thing, though, because in the right amounts, it’s perseverance. The problem is that I can’t turn it on and off at will. It would be an asset if I was able to say, “Right. I’m going to focus on this for the next two hours and then stop.” That’s not how my brain works. I found out that’s probably neurodivergency at work. Autistic people obsess on something and can only be wrenched from it with great difficulty. It can be physically painful to have an obsession be interrupted.
I have to find ways to curb my brain. Sometimes, that means lying to myself. “If I stop now and do what I’m supposed to do, I can come back to this later.” Does this work? It depends. Sometimes, I let myself be persuaded by it and other times, I fight back.
It’s really difficult to describe to neurotypical people because it sounds like making excuses. I’ve read posts on Ask A Manager from people who have autism and/or ADHD, and so many people tell/ask them essentially if they could just try not having autism and/or ADHD? Neurotypical people really can’t tell the difference between what is and isn’t within the power of the neuroatypical person.
For example, time blindness. This is more associated with ADHD than autism, but it’s the bane of many ADHDers existence. I’ve heard them try to explain it, but most NT people hear it as ‘I won’t pay attention to time.” One thing that isn’t emphasized enough (in the ears of the NTers, I mean. Not by the ADHDers because they are as clear as can be about it) is how any time-tracking gizmo/technique will work for, say, four months, and then suddenly stop working. No rhyme nor reason, but it’s just the way their brains work.
I’m not saying that the answer is to shrug and stop trying, but I want to give grace to the ADHDers beacuse it sounds liek such a hard way of life. I don’t have that issue, really. I have had moments of ‘oh, shit, it’s what time?’, but it’s not a constant for me. I used to think I had both ADHD and autism, but I’m not as sure about the former. I get the hyperfocus and my brain going all over the place, but I’m not as easily distracted as most ADHDers seem to be.
I am not ‘look, squirrel!’ in my outlook, though I can think about a thousand things at one time. But for the most part, it’s just flowing like a stream of consciousness to which I pay scant attention. I try not to let it get to me because it can be distracting. I’m not distracted that easily–but I but I hyperfocus like crazy.
That’s both a blessing and a curse when it comes to weapons. A blessing because I can practice at length without my brain demanding a break. A curse for the same reason.
I’ll write more on that tomorrow.
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