Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: mastery

More about weapons if I may (and I may)

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Here is my post from yesterday in which I blathered about weapons. I am going to do more of the same in this post.

I have struggled with what to call myself in terms of my status, for the lack of a better word, because I was not and have not been a newbie for quite some time. I would never call myself a master, either, beacuse that’s well above my pay grade. Advanced student just feels right. It’s not too specific, but it’s not overly broad, either.

I would be down with senior student as well. These seem to have roughly the same meaning. I get that it’s still a pretty wide range, but it feels apt to me.

I have mentioned several times that I feel like a switch has been flipped inside of me. Roughly six months ago, I would have said that I liked weapons and really dug the forms. But I would not have said that I was…I dunno. Serious about them?

It’s hard to say because I have imposter syndrome. I think I’m worse at everything than I really am. Well, most everything. I am (or was) confident in my writing, my ability to talk to people (but that comes with massive downsides, and it was not something I chose to do), my charm (which I don’t want to abuse), and a few other things. And I’ve been confident in my weapon forms in that I learn them fairly easily.

But I was not doing hours of weapon forms practice a day. I was not min-maxing my weapons. I am so not a min-maxer–in games or in weapons. I talked about how I would look at weapon forums, and it was just not for me. I’m not a tech head in anything I do. I’m a heavy tech user, yes, but only to the extent in which it’s useful to me. I don’t care about specs except how much I need to to run what I want to run.

It’s the same with the weapons. I care only to the extent that they feel good and move nicely in the air. The spec themselves don’t matter to me. I will admit that looks matter to me. I want my weapons to look and feel good. I am a bit miffed that there are no really great fans. I bought a nice aluminum one, but it is so stiff. All the base ones have, ah, really bad printed pictures on them. Sigh.

It’s weird, actually. I don’t understand why I can’t find a better fan than the ten dollar one I have. I mean, I can find a slightly better version and have (with bamboo ribs rather than plastic), but the pictures on the better ones are still pretty basic. I know that’s a minor point, but I would feel so much better if I could find a prettier fan.


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Let’s talk more about weapons (because I can)

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It still boggles my mind that I am actually creating a weapon form. It’s not canon, and it’s not anything I would show to anyone right now, but I’m having a good time with it.

Oh, side note. I talked to my brother about the Xfinity issue, and it may be on my side. So I’m going to test it out and see if it is my bad. It’s not completely on me (I know this as a fact), but if there’s anything I can do to mitigate it, well, that’s a plus, I guess.

I’m so worn-out right now. My sleep has been completely off the rails, and my anxiety is keeping me up at nights. I can’t deal with the world around me, and I want to do better in my personal life as well. I don’t feel like it’s worth it, though. Or rather, I don’t feel like the world is worth it. And that’s how I know I need to find a therapist.

Back to weapons. In yesterday’s post, I was rambling all over the place. One thing I wanted to talk about and kind of did, is that one thing people don’t tell yopu about exercise is taht you want to find something you enjoy doing. I mentioned that I walked four miles a day for a year while I was in the East Bay, and I hated every step. It never got better. I never actually liked it. I just did it because I had no other way of doing exercise. Once I got back to Minnesota, I gave it up in a hot second.

After my medical crisis, while my parents were here, I started going for a walk with them every day. I didn’t want to, but it was easier to go than to argue about it with my mother. And I still hated it. In part because my father walks reaaaaaaaallly slowly. Even after my medical crisis, I walked at a brisk pace (once i got my energy back). I figured out that the way to do it was to walk fast on the way out, wait for them to catch up, and then stroll with them on the way back. It still wasn’t great, but that made it manageable.

It will never be my first choice for exercise. Walking, I mean. People extol how great it is, but I hate it. Let me amend that. I hate doing it for exercise. I don’t mind doing it just to get from Point A to Point B. Why is that? I’m not sure. I think it’s because when I’m doing it to get where I need to be, I just accept it’s something I have to do. When I try to do it as exercise, I resent the hell out of it. Let’s not talk about running, which I loathe with the intensity of a thousand suns.


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Weapons all day long

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I’m still on that weapons tip. Well, as much as I can. There are other things in my life that are not good, but I’m trying not to think about them at the moment. In yesterday’s post, I rambled about weapons, life in general, and why I need this. By ‘this’, I mean weapons. I’m feeling very bleak about the world right now, for personal and political reasons. I am not pleased with the state of, well, everything. Weapon forms are one thing that actually fill me with joy. They give me meaning and hope. Well, maybe not hope, but something positive to focus on.

Back in the day, Marie Kondo was hot for about ten seconds. Her phrase ‘sparks joy’ seemed to be everywhere (you should only keep something if it ‘sparks joy’ in you), and I will admit that I got sick of it. But, I will say it fits for the weapons. The weapon forms definitely spark joy in me. And that’s something I don’t have much of these days.

I’m having an ongoing issue with Xfnity, and I have no clue how to solve it because it’s impossible to get a person to talk to. I tried to the last time this came up and could not talk to an actual person. I did what I could to mitigate the issue, but it’s come up again. And I’m going to have to go through the motions to try to fix it, knowing that it’ll fail. And that because they’re a fucking monopoly, I can’t switch companies.

I’m going to do what I can to deal with it, but I’m probably going to end up throwing money at it. I’m not happy about it, but that’s really all I have. And, I’m tired. I just don’t have the energy to deal with it. There’s a saying that sometimes the best thing you can do is throw money at a problem.

My brother and I have had a friendly argument about this. He is all about saving money. (Except when he isn’t. He has his passions, just like anyone else. But he is unusually frugal in most aspects of his life.) He will spend hours doing something if it will save him a buck or two. I, on the other hand, would rather spend a few extra bucks to save time. I don’t think one way is better than the other–it’s just a matter of what you value more. For the longest time, my brother insisted that his way was best. I tried to get him to see that saving ten bucks, but ‘spending’ an extra two hours really wasn’t that cost efficient.


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Weapons as a way of life

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I’m back on the weapon forms tip because I’m obsessed with them. It’s my entire life, and I want to talk about it all the time. It being weapon forms, I mean. Today, I went through the entire Swimming Dragon Form (not a weapon form in and of itself), and I am pretty comfortable with it. I think I will start looking at the Bagua Deerhorn Knives Form that Sifu does (included below) this week. In a few days. The gerat thing is that the first minute is the walking the circle that my teacher taught me for meditation. The form that follows is not anything like the Swimming Dragon Form, which excites me.

I also looked at the Double Fan Form. This is an actual form, and I have seen several people doing the same form (with minor tweaks), so I’m guessing that this is the official Yang-style Double Fan Form. I ilke that because then I canlearn it without wondering if it’s a good form or not. I don’t mind learning forms that aren’t official or that were created by Sifu (or one of his students). However, it’s nice to throw an official form into the mix.

I found a video of one instructor who has a split screen as she’s slowly doing the form. It shows both the front and back view in the same video. And she’s going slowly, which I really appreciate. I did the first few movements, but my brain was just not grasping it. So I put it away until tomorrow. I am not trying to push my way through no matter what. I have so much on my plate, weapons-wise, I don’t mind taking my time with any one form.

There is also another video teaching the Double Fan Form step by step. I may look into that one because I have questions as I go. I’m not frustrated, but I do think this is going to be harder than I anticipated. I learned the Double Saber Form before my medical crisis, and I’m not sure that I can learn another double weapon form without really breaking it all down.

I am also messing with…not a Double Sword Form, but using two sords for our Sword Form. Sifu told my teacher that one should focus on the helping hand as much as the main hand, and that you can put a sword in that helping hand as well.

That shit is hard. I’ve tried it, and suddenly, everything I know about the helping hand has gone the window. Once it has a sword in it, it no longer feels like it’s helping. I do the Sword Form on both sides, which I think is part of the problem, too. When I have a sword in my hand, I think of it as the dominant hand. Plus, the helping hand is usually two fingers pointing forward, so it’s strange to have a sword instead.


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Keeping it real with my weapons

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I had my private lesson today and even though it was only forty degrees out (felt like thirty-five or so), we decided to have it outside. It felt warmer than that, probably because we’d been in single digits for so long. Kind of. We were supposed to get get snow today, but the snow front missed us. We did not get one single flake of snow, sadly. That does not mean that we will not get snow later as we’ve gotten in June before. Yes, June. That was once, very brief, and it did not stick–but still. It was snow in June. That’s highly unusual, but it’s not unusual to get snow in April. In fact, Prince who was from here had a song about it.

No snow for now, though. I left it up to my teacher whether she wanted to be outside or in because I was fine being outside in forty degrees. It was so nice out and felt warmer than that. I like practicing outside for another reason–lots of room. Now, I’m not complaining about my space beacuse I have plenty. But practicing weapons needs a lot of space–and just a bit more than  I have.

I know that’s a privilege, by the way. The fact that I have plenty of space. That’s why I’m not complaining about being a bit cramped–just noting that it was nice outside. The sun was shining and there was a crisp bite to the air. That is my favorite combination; it perks me up and gives me the edge I need.

I asked about the Fast Form and the Short Form. She said both were worth learning (because I asked), but her voice wasn’t as enthusiastic as it normally was. Which means that it’s worthy, yes, but not something I need to worry about right now.

We concentrated on the last four or so movements of the Swimming Dragon Form. As much as it’s good to watch the video I took of her, it’s much better to see her demonstrate in person. Not only can I ask her questions, but I can see the postures in question from all angles. That’s one of my favorite things about being in person. I can walk around her as she’s doing the posture, which is so helpful.

In addition, she is now showing me the applications for the postures, which is my absolute favorite. The one I was having difficulty with was the second-to-last posture. It’s something like The Bear Turns Over the Body. I mean, it’s not that, but it’s close. And no matter how many times I watched the video, I did not quite get what she was doing. Oh, the name is about a bear turning over your body, not theirs, by the way. And my teacher showed me the application for this move along with the last movement, which is conclusion.


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Getting (more) serious about weapons

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As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I graduated from the Swimming Dragon Form. That simply means that I taught myself all the movements in the form. Have  I mastered them? No. Am I confident that I will be able to reproduce them faithfully tomorrow? Also no. I mean, up until the last five or six movements, yes. But the ones I’ve learned in this last week? Those might take a bit longer to stick in my brain.

It’s funny. I videotaped my teacher in October of last year doing the whole form. At the time, I had eight movements left to learn. Or maybe ten. I quickly taught myself a few more until I only had a half-dozen left. I stopped because the next movement looked so intimidating. Plus, I got distracted by other stuff. I also was sort of waiting for my teacher to teach me. But we kept getting distracted.A few weeks ago, I decided to finish it and then my teacher could help me figure out the kinks later.

Much to my surprise, it was easier than I thought it would be from watching it six months prior. I am pretty sure it’s because I’ve been practicing every day, and you know what they say about practice. I don’t think it makes perfect, but it definitely makes you better. I mean, it makes sense, right? If you do the thing several times every day, then it becomes muscle memory and a habit.

I’ve been doing bagua for…maybe close to a year now? No, not quite. Probably more like eight months. I’m getting better at keeping my weight back, but it still doesn’t feel quite natural to me. I’m so used to keeping it forward for Taiji that it feels almost sacriligious to keep it back for Bagua.

I think that’s one of the main issues I have with Bagua–or rather, the main difficulties. It’s not Taiji. I have been practicing Taiji for over fifteen years on its own. In that time, I’ve done a bit of other martial arts, but not on a regular or constant basis. My teacher showed me how to walk the cirlce with Deerhorn Knives over a decade ago, and I was hooked. I did it every day (without the knives as well as with, alternating), and it’s one non-Taiji thing I’ve done for the last decade.

I don’t know why I decided about a year ago that Bagua was somtehing I wanted to do seriously. Oh, wait. Yes, I do. It’s because I love the Deerhorn Knives so much, and my teacher insisted that I had to learn the Swimming Dragon Form first. It made sense because that form is the basis for the whole martial art, much like the Solo (Long) Form is the basis for Taiji.


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I graduated; now what?

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I finished the Swimming Dragon Form today. My teacher calls it graduating when a student finishes a form, which I find charming. It just means you’ve been taught all the postures in the form. It doesn’t mean you are a pro at them or that you will remember them perfectly if at all. My teacher does not expect that, nor does she give you any shit if you forget. If anything, she goes the other way and explicitly states that her students are welcome to make all the mistakes without censure.

I’m pretty proud of myself for buckling down and finishing the Swimming Dragon Form. I have a hard time finishing things if I don’t do it right away. I tend to wander to other things, and I don’t have the will to go back to the first thing.

It’s been a few months since we worked on it in private lessons. That’s because I got distracted by other things I wanted to do such as learning the refinements to the Sword Form. And learning some of the refinements to the Solo (Long) Form. My teacher is amenable to going wherever I want, so it was up to me to drag us back to the Swimming Dragon Form.

There were maybe a half-dozen postures left, but they were all on the harder side. Or at least that’s how they appeared when I watched the video I took of my teacher doing the form. And they aren’t easy, per se, but they’re not as difficult as I thought they would be, either. I just needed to break it down and be more granular about it. I had to look at the right hand, then the left hand, then the feet. And the waist. Which is how my teacher breaks it down, though she lumps together the hands.

I was quickly exultant as I finished the form. The second-to-last posture is the most dififcult, and I had to watch it several times before I got it. Do I have it? I’m not sure I do, but I can at least fake it. I have the shape of it even if I don’t have the exact movements.

I told my teacher that I graduated from the form and looked forward to cleaning it up with her. We have a running joke about that beacuse one time she was gone and had a substitute. I think it might have just been me in the class. The substitute, let’s call her Jan, showed me five postures in the Sword Form, not well, and said that my teacher could clean it up for me. I was not pleased because I couldn’t take in that much information and she didn’t do it correctly or well, anyway.


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More about weapons and me

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As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, my teacher told me that her teacher (Sifu) had mentioned that you could do the Sword Form with two swords, one in each hand. I have a feeling that she told me this before because when I tried it, I felt a sense of deja vu. Which might be real or not.

At any rate, it’s pretty awkward. I’m not sure I’m doing it right, but I’m also not sure how I’m supposed to do it. The note from my teacher’s teacher (via my teacher) was that the helping hand was as important as the main hand. That meant I should concentrate on the helping hand , but It feels awkward to do the helping hand movements with a sword.

Also, my brain doesn’t do well with trying to do two things as once. I mean, I can multitask as far as listening to music and writing at the same time. As long as I don’t get drawn into the lyrics. But because of my brain damage, I have a hard time doing two separate things with my hands. At least with the two swords doing the (Solo) Sword Form. The Double Saber Form is meant to be done with two sabers, so it makes sense. Trying to do the helping hand movements with a sword is hurting my brain.

I’ll keep trying, though. It may be that it has to click at some point, and I have to give it time. I am used to being able to do things from the start, and if I don’t, then I give up. It’s a lasting legacy from being gifted. Things came easily to me for the most part, so I didn’t develop the fortitude to persevere. Plus, my parents had a bad habit of criticizing me immediately whenever I did something wrong. Or in the case of my father, making fun of me for messing up.

Because of that, I am hypersensitive to making mistakes in front of other people. I feel ashamed, stupid, and like a failure when that happens. Even though intellectually I know that everyone makes mistakes, it’s been beaten into my head that this is not something I’m allowed to do. And if I do mess up, then I should 1. endlessly ruminate over it in order to prevent myself from doing it in the future; 2. should strive not to ever do it again at all costs; 3. feel like a shitheel for dong it in the first place.

I’ve told this story several times. When K was separated from her husband, she talked about it with her mother who said, “K, you will be fine. If you end up divorcing, you will be fine. If you stay together, you will be fine.” I laughed ruefully because my mother would say the exact opposite. She would bring up all the reasons why I would not be fine if I left my (hypothetical) husband and all the reasons why I would not be fine if I stayed with him.


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