I thought I was done with the topic of anger, but it seems I have one more post within me. Here’s my post from yesterday. I know that many people say that anger is bad, blah, blah, blah. And, yes, you don’t want it to explode all over the place, but as I said, I think in measured and controlled doses, it can be helpful. That and its relative, spite. Maybe the latter even more than the former. And I find that a general spite is more fortifying than one that is pointed at a specific person. Or at society at large–that’s really motivating as well.
I have said that I don’t think I’m contrarian in that I don’t think/say/do the opposing thing just to be a jerk. I do it because it’s how I truly feel. I can lie and give in on certain things like small talk. Do not care in the least about that. I do struggle with when someone is trying to move out of small talk or not, but if I know that we’re firmly in small talk territory, then, yeah. I can do that fairly easily (though I tend to ramble when I’m tense or uptight).
The thing is, my brain is so weird and fucked. It’s not me putting on an act. In fact, I do whatever I can to shave off the sharp edges except with my close friends because I just don’t need the aggro that comes when I let the real me out in gen pub. It’s funny because in America, there are two contrasting messages that get pushed simultaneously. One is individualism. We’re a country of individuals! Do what you want and fuck society! Yeah, no. That’s a complete lie, especially now.
There’s a stronger message of follow the crowd, don’t stick up, and don’t you dare be any kind of minority in public. I spent almost two months in an occupied city where I had to seriously ask myself if I needed my passport when I left my neighborhood. In America. As a citizen of said country. We had to brush up on our civil rights while realizing that they didn’t really matter because the current administration was going to do what it wanted to do, anyway.
It’s really sobering to realize that your home country wanted you dead or at least shipped out of the country. I mean, I’ve known it for most of my life that I’ve been barely tolerated as a “deviant” in so many ways, but to have it brutally pushed into my face the way it has been since this current administration has taken over can really fuck with your mind.
Ok. I take it back. During that occupation, I had spite towards one specific person, even though he wasn’t the one doing the most damage by far. And when he was demoted and kicked out of the state, not to mention he had his social media access taken away. I’m pretty sure it was the last that really hurt him. I can’t tell you how gleeful I was when I read/heard that; it made my day. As did when whassernamewhowashavingtheaffairwithwhashisname was fired. That was delicious, too, indeed. In fact, I’m going to be so damn spiteful any time something bad happens to one of the main players of this debacle, I’m spitefully glad.