Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: faking it

If I ruled the world

I’m weird. I know it; you know it; we all know it. I think about things in a way most people don’t. And I’ve learned over the years to keep it to myself. I’ve talked at length how I’ve realized that I just don’t think like other people do. Sometimes, it’s ok. Most of the time, it’s not. I am able to see nuance where other people may not.

For example, I used to smoke two to three cigarettes a day. I started when I was in college and never smoked more than that. It was a ritual for me. Go outside, light up, smoke a quarter or half, then put it away for later (after putting it out, of course). My favorite doctor told me it wasn’t that big a deal that I smoked a couple cigs a day, which I was glad to hear. It seemed like moderation would be similar to that of alcohol. Later, I had to switch docs for a different reason, and the substitute doc I saw in the interim was insistent that I had to quit. I wasn’t trying to argue that smoking was good or even neutral for me, but it wasn’t at the top of my list of things to worry about.

“Smoking two cigarettes a day is the same as smoking a pack a day!” She declared. With that, I lost any respect I had for her because it was so clearly false what she had just said. When my favorite doc said that smoking two cigs a day was no biggie, I asked why more docs didn’t say things like that. She said it was because people didn’t listen to nuance. If she told most people that, they would only hear that it was ok to smoke and smoke three packs. Which, fair. People did tend to hear what they wanted to hear.

I have a big issue with how ubiquitous alcohol is in polite society. Not drinking is considered weird. People have to have an excuse for not doing it, which is so weird to me. I’m at the point where I don’t care about it, but it’s still not something I want to be around. The lads of RKG were talking about how gross smoking was and how they would never date someone who smokes. Which, fair enough. I am firmly in the corner of date whomever you want (ethically sound, of course), but I had to laugh because they were really going off on smokers. Whereas they get drunk on the regular and have video of them acting up while drunk. Somehow, that’s acceptable, but we’ve vilified smoking to the point where you’ll get glares if you do it in public. Rory did mention that maybe some people would have problems with the way they drink the way they have problems with other smoking (which was surprising from him because he’s not the most aware of these things), but they were still so dismissive of it.


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Faking it, but not making it

too crowded!
My brain is not a great place to be.

“Fake it until you make it” gets tossed around a lot as a way to deal with overcoming low self-esteem issues. The theory is that our brains believe what we tell them, so by acting as if we’re confident, we’ll eventually become confident. I’ve done it my whole life, but it hasn’t made me any more confident than I already was. If anything, I think it’s hindered me from actually developing more confidence. From the outside (and if you don’t talk to me for very long), it seems as if I have my shit together. I had it ground into me that I was not allowed to show emotions, especially negative ones, and I still have difficulty expressing those emotions out loud.

Side Note: When I was younger, I was a sponge for all the negative emotions around me. I could actually feel them as I walked by people, and it made me physically ill at times. This was before I was able to erect good emotional shields, and it’s one reason I don’t like being in crowds. On occasion, I would flash on why someone was feeling the negativity they were (though, of course, I had no way to confirm it. I was not going to ask a near stranger if they were being abused by their husband, for instance), and it made me profoundly sad. It was exhausting for me to be around people because I would be drained from running the emotional gauntlet.

Cognitive Behavioral Theory (CBT) is all the rage right now, and I hate it. I wasn’t sure why exactly until I read someone explain their distaste for it in an Ask A Manager column (where they are overwhelmingly for it). She explained that it felt like gaslighting to hear the therapist say, “That’s just a feeling. It’s not real.” She was more eloquent and expansive, but that’s the part that really resonated with me. A big part of CBT is focusing on behavior (duh), and dismissing the feelings behind them. I’ve already spent a lifetime dismissing my feelings; I don’t need to pay someone to do that as well.

Side Note II: One thing I really hate about AA and all the groups that have sprung up that are based on AA, well, besides the fact that it’s success rate is no better than any other recovery program, is the insistence on powerlessness. Again, I couldn’t exactly explain why until I was talking about it with my then-therapist. I was participating in a CoDA program (Co-Dependency Anonymous) online, and I just couldn’t get past that (or the god shit. I hate the god shit). My therapist recommended a book to me by Dr. Charlotte Kasl called Many Roads, One Journey: Moving Beyond the 12 Steps. My therapist described the theory in a nutshell–for people who are not Bill W. types (i.e., white male Christian), we spend a lot of time feeling helpless/powerless, anyway. We don’t need to give up the power because we don’t have it. If anything, we need to feel empowered, rather than powerless.

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