Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: masking

I keep my mouth shut

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So I’m continuing on with my musings about family dysfunction, how difficult it is to be so different, and how I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut. And, yes, I’m going to tie them together somehow (or not). I’m not too fussed either way. In the last post, I talked about family dysfunction mostly. I will touch more on that, but I want to start by musing about masking. I didn’t even realize to what extent I did it until I talked about it with A. It’s such a part of me by now, it takes conscious effort to take it off.

I am on my guard almost any time I interact with someone, online or in the real world. I am constantly monitoring the temperature around me to know if what I am saynig in acceptable or not. In the Discord I’m in, there’s an in-group and an out-group. Or rather, there are a few (cishet white) guys who are pretty dominant and others fall in line behind them. It’s not deliberate and they don’t mean to be, but god grant me the confidence of a mediocre white man.

Not that they are mediocre, but they are cishet white dudes who have no problem just stating their opinions like they’re facts. It’s really irritating when it comes to pop culture because I don’t feel that there’s room for disagreement. For example. Sekiro. Many people consider it the best From game ever. People will blather about how once it clicks, it’s like a dance/rhythm game and soooooo easy. They don’t want to hear anything about it not being true for everyone. Or that for some of us, it never clicked. I had a hard time finishing it once–a really fucking hard time. When I tried to go back to it after my medical crisis, I could not beat Owl (Father) who was my nemesis, and who I needed to beat again, unfortunately, for the plat. I say unfortunately because I did him on my first playthrough, thinking I would not play again and wanting to do all the bosses on this path. The only reason I would go back is to do the plat, and that would mean doing him again.

No. Not going to do it. Also, cannot do Isshin again. Oh, and you have to do all the bosses (the ones you get a trophy for) on one save, so I would have to do Owl (Father) on NG?. And then do the Shura (bad) ending on NG++? Nope. I wasn’t going to do it, anyway, and now, I can’t do it.

That’s a word that Americans don’t like: can’t. We have been told since we were kids that we can do anything! We can be anything! It’s horseshit. Everyone has limitations, and that’s not even remotely controversial. Or it shouldn’t be.


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Oh what a feeling (realization)

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I’m back with more about masking, what I consider ‘normal’, and why I’m a social anarchist. And, yes, these are all connected. Maybe just in my mind, but they are connected. Also, this was the last post I wrote.

By the way, I will forever be grateful to Ian for pointing out that he thought I was an anarchist. For whatever reason, it never occurred to me taht I might be one. Probably because of the very negative portrayal of anarchists in the media. I know, I know. Grain of salt and all that, but when a message is constantly pushed in your face (like neurodivergent people are broken/flawed, ahem) , it’s easy to unthinkingly accept that propaganda as truth.

Here’s the thing about rules (to me). I follow them when they make sense. Such as road rules. It makes sense to follow traffic signals, for example. If people driving on the road relied on everyone negotiating who had the right of way, well, there would be a lot more deaths on the road than there already are.

Same with taxes. Grossly simplified, I believe in the collective common good and doing what we can for those among us who have the least. I think everyone should have a roof over their head, food to eat, and the ability to see a doctor when they need to (for a few very basic human rights). I believe it’s our duty to ensure that for everyone in our society. If that means cutting our defense budget, so be it.

Oh, by the way. This observation by Ian happened because I was saying that I was a libertarian with a small l in most situation. He said that I seemed more like an anarchist to him, and something clicked inside me when he said that–with some caveats.

I do believe in government. I don’t think having no government would be an improvement over having one. It’s not even that I don’t believe that individuals will do the right thing  (though I don’t), but more that you can’t run a large institution like a country without there being some structure. Even something as basic as roads. How is that going to happen if there isn’t an umbrella organization (government) that makes it happen? There are things that individuals simply can’t do.

Anyway. To veer sharply back to the topic at hand, I think part of the reason I’m an anarchist is because of my neurodivergency. What do I mean by that? I mean that the fact that I don’t see things in the way most people see them is one reason that I can strip away the window dressing (most of the time) and focus on the window.

Side note: I’m also a socialist, but that’s another post altogether. I feel the two go hand-in-hand, actually.


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Neurodiversity and me, part five

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In yesterday’s post, I was musing about how stereotypes of autism blocked me from realizing that I might actually have it. Another one that really tripped me up was how autistic people miss nonverbal/social cues. I have read and heard it said so many times that if you want an autistic person to understand your hints and cues, you have to be explicit about them. A look, a grimace, a tilt of the head–none of that would actually get through to an autistic person. That’s one of the constantts I’ve heard about autistic people–they don’t understand nonverbal cues at all.

“Just be direct with them!” That’s what I constantly hear as counsel for dealing with people with autism.

Now, let me say, I’m not arguing for direct communication. I don’t think it’s a bad thing in general to just state what you want. Well, except that it’s not the way things are done in Minnesota. Here, you have to duck, dodge, and feint your way during a converastion. You can’t directly say no because that would hurt the other person’s feeling. I’ve had to explain to other people that if they extend an invitation and the answer is anything but an enthusiastic yes, it’s a no. “I need to check my calendar!” = no. “I have to talk to my husband!” = no. “It sound s great”, but with no actual affirmation = no. Only a yes is a yes.

Anyway. I can read facial/bodily cues just fine. In fact, I can read them better than some allistic people can (many) because as I’ve said many times that I’vee had it drumed in my brain since I was a little kid that I was responsible for other people’s feelings. Also, that there feelings were more important than mine. Also, that I should not upset anyone and if I did, it was of utmost importance that I did what it would take to make them feel better.

Side note: I’m not saying one should not be aware of one’s effect on other people. One should! It’s part of living in a society of disaparate people who need to get along. However, it’s usually non-male people who are made to feel resonsible for male people’s emotions.


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If I ruled the world

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I’m weird. I know it; you know it; we all know it. I think about things in a way most people don’t. And I’ve learned over the years to keep it to myself. I’ve talked at length how I’ve realized that I just don’t think like other people do. Sometimes, it’s ok. Most of the time, it’s not. I am able to see nuance where other people may not.

For example, I used to smoke two to three cigarettes a day. I started when I was in college and never smoked more than that. It was a ritual for me. Go outside, light up, smoke a quarter or half, then put it away for later (after putting it out, of course). My favorite doctor told me it wasn’t that big a deal that I smoked a couple cigs a day, which I was glad to hear. It seemed like moderation would be similar to that of alcohol. Later, I had to switch docs for a different reason, and the substitute doc I saw in the interim was insistent that I had to quit. I wasn’t trying to argue that smoking was good or even neutral for me, but it wasn’t at the top of my list of things to worry about.

“Smoking two cigarettes a day is the same as smoking a pack a day!” She declared. With that, I lost any respect I had for her because it was so clearly false what she had just said. When my favorite doc said that smoking two cigs a day was no biggie, I asked why more docs didn’t say things like that. She said it was because people didn’t listen to nuance. If she told most people that, they would only hear that it was ok to smoke and smoke three packs. Which, fair. People did tend to hear what they wanted to hear.

I have a big issue with how ubiquitous alcohol is in polite society. Not drinking is considered weird. People have to have an excuse for not doing it, which is so weird to me. I’m at the point where I don’t care about it, but it’s still not something I want to be around. The lads of RKG were talking about how gross smoking was and how they would never date someone who smokes. Which, fair enough. I am firmly in the corner of date whomever you want (ethically sound, of course), but I had to laugh because they were really going off on smokers. Whereas they get drunk on the regular and have video of them acting up while drunk. Somehow, that’s acceptable, but we’ve vilified smoking to the point where you’ll get glares if you do it in public. Rory did mention that maybe some people would have problems with the way they drink the way they have problems with other smoking (which was surprising from him because he’s not the most aware of these things), but they were still so dismissive of it.


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WWDTAOL: cultural gaslighting and pretending to be normal

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There has been plenty written about microaggressions and how they can add up. Most of us have at least heard of code-switching and what a toll it can take on a person. When I was in college, i got asked all the time where I was from. Since I was a bitch, I would say with a straight face, Minnesota and wait for the following question. “No, I mean where are you really from?” Normally I would say something along the lines of, “My ancestors are from Taiwan” and that was usually enough to get people to shut the fuck up. Once in a while, someone would continue with something even more insensitive such as, “My adopted daughter is Korean.” Ok. Well. What am I supposed to do with that? There are so many levels wrong with that. First of all, I’m not Korean. Secondly, even if I were, it wouldn’t mean I’d have an instant connection to all Korean people. I’ve had people ask if I knew this other Taiwanese person they know, which is also grating. It shows that I’m a category, not a person to them.

I’ve had well-meaning white people ask me why that’s so frustrating. Or saying that people are just being curious. I hate that because it’ll take too long to explain the whole background of being a minority in an overwhelmingly white state and it’s why so many minorities don’t want to do Racism 101. (Or women and Sexism 101, etc.). It really does boil down to trust me after a lifetime of living as me, I know the intent of people doing this kind of shit. I don’t think they’re being malicious, but it’s ignorance and it’s intrusive. Also, when you have it happen over and over again, it’s a not-so-subtle hint that I’m viewed as an outsider.

That, by the way, is another microagression–people constantly questioning what you experienced as real. That’s the cultural gaslighting I mentioned in the title and it’s exhausting. “Are you sure that’s what happened? Maybe that person you thought mistreated you because you’re Asian was actually just having a bad day!” It’s as if the person who actually has the experience is considered biased BECAUSE they’ve had the experiences so often. You see it all over the place, such as in trials. If you’re black (as a potential jurist), it’s assumed that you can’t possibly be neutral if it’s a case involving a black victim. Same with women and sex crimes. Or, in a more common phenomenon, a man is described as being creepy and so many people, mostly men, fall over themselves to explain why he’s just misunderstood.


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