I got bored with my way of titling (and numbering) my posts so I’m switching it up. I will be talking about the same thing I was talking about yesterday, but I slapped a different title on it. Here is yesterday’s post. I was musing about how gaming helped me realize (agonizingly slow over time) that I had actual disabilities rather than just flaws or something wrong with me.
Side note (yes, already): It boggles my mind that it took a friend gently mentioning that several of the things I had told her sounded like autism to her (not that directly, but that was the meat of it). Why did it boggle my mind so much? Because I had never even considered that I might be autistic. ADHD, yes, but autistic? No way! I had the stereotypical image in my mind that everyone has: male, jittery, constantly stimming, not able to make eye contact, not emotionally connecting with people, not liking to be touched, etc. In other words, my brother. Who, ironically, I must say, did not realize he was on the spectrum until I pointed it out to him months before I ended up in the hospital. I just assumed he knew because he fit the stereotypical description so neatly and his son was also autistic.
But for me, I never considered it. I’m highly empathetic (because I’ve been forced to do it since birth), don’t stim, can look people in the eyes, and I am good in social situations (mostly). My friend, A, and I have several long discussions about it, and what she said really opened my eyes. I had mentioned how as a kid, I felt like an alien among the humans. I paid close attention to everyone around me to see what they were saying and doing. And reacting. I couldn’t know how they thought, but I tried to estimate as best as I could, anyway.
She said it was common for autistic people to feel as if they weren’t part of the human race. She mentioned masking, which I knew about. I hadn’tquite made the connection, though, between masking and feeling like an alien. I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn’t automatically intuit what I was supposed to do in all and every situation. I felt as if I hadn’t been given the manual on how to human that everyone had gotten. A told me that was a common feeling for autistic people.
Side note: I get why Harris and Waltz are emphasizing the weirdness of Trump and Vance, but I wish they (and the other Democrats) would give it a rest. I’m weird. I have been weird all my life. I feel somewhat diminished when the Dems harp on how weird Trump and Vance are (especially Vance. The word you’re looking for there is ‘creepy’). And I get it. It’s pushback on Trump and Vance (and the Republicans in general) trying to portray Harris and Waltz as weird. Which the Republicans have been doing ever since I started following politics. Trying to portray the Dems as out-of-touch, elite, limosuine liberals, etc. Weird, though, is a new-ish one. Yes, they pulled it first on Harris and Waltz.
So I get it. And it’s a smart choice. Doesn’t mean it’s not alienating. I have been a weirdo all my life. I don’t want to have to give that up, damn it. Even clarifying good weird and bad weird doesn’t really sit right with me. Yes, it’s a small thing, but i’s emblematic of what it’s like to be in the minority in almost every category.