Tag: resolutions | A Banana Peeled

More to say about the New Year

Posted on December 30, 2022 by Minna Hong • 0 Comments

Ok. It’s Thursday. For some reason, I thought it was Friday (which it’ll be when this is posted), but it’s not. Time is weird and time is strange. I got more than eight hours of sleep last nigt, which is good because my sleep has been spotty for the past few days. We’re coming up on the last few days of the year, which is putting me in a pensive mood. Not pensive because pensive has a tinge of negativity to it. The dictionary definition is:

Engaged in, involving, or reflecting deep or serious thought.

It does not sound negative at all so I don’t know why I assumed that. So, yes, I’m pensive. Again, not in a negative way, but in a “It’s the end of the year and time to think about the next year” way.

In the last post, I wrote about the desultory things that I might want to do next year. Actually, it’s more ramblings, which is so me. There are a few actual goals that I have, so I want to talk about those in this post.

Let’s start with therapy. I wanted to find a group in which I could talk about what happened to me. I have written about the fact that such a group does not exist. I mean, I’m sure there are therapy groups for people who have had medical crises, but I cannot find one for someone who is in my position. I have found plenty for people who are caregivers or who have lost someone to a serious illness/disease/situation. I’m saying cardiac arrest or stroke. As I mentioned, most people who have had a cardiac arrest are dead. Most people who have had a stroke are impaired to some degree. They are not going to be up for group therapy for the most part. Me and John Fetterman to the contrary.

Now, I will say it out loud. The therapy I need is to deal with my family. I have no remaining issues from my medical crisis. I have completely recovered from that and the few little negative ramifications ain’t no big thing.

New year, new me, who dis?

Posted on December 28, 2022 by Minna Hong • 0 Comments

2022 was the year of faffing about and just taking stock of where I was. It was me being grateful to be alive and counting each day as a bonus day. It was me marveling at being not dead. I was moved to tears at times at how incredible the vista outside my window was.

I should be dead. This is something that I am always cognizant of. Fifty years was my alloted time on this earth, and I cheated death. I feel quite scandalous about it. Not scandalous, exactly, but like I got away with something. Which I did. I mean, I’m alive. I shouldn’t be. That’s the very epitome of getting away with something.

This is the year that I integrate that knowledge into my every day life. I really have an obstacle in my brain against talking about it because it’s just so bizarre. In addition, there really isn’t a lesson to be learned from it. I mean, there is for me. It’s to enjoy life and to truly internalize that it can end at any moment.

For anyone else, though, what can they take from my experience? This is frustrating because I have learned valuable lessons. Lessons I would like to impart to others. The biggest one being that your body is a wonderland, even though I dislike John Mayer. In America, women are made to feel their bodies are trash from a very early age. Americans worship at the altar of thinness for women, but it’s a very sparse range of thinness that is acceptable. Too thin and murmurs of eating disorder can be heard. But just a few pounds overweight or even ‘normal’ weight, and the person is excoriated. Woman.

I have watched a lot of YouTube content creators. A lot. The women are, to a T, thin and gorgeous. Well, that’s not completely true. If they are not white, there is a bit more variety (though, usually it’s skinnier if they are Asian. I am from two cultures that demand women waste away to nothing). White women, though, have to be skinny. But with boobs. And look very feminine.

Men, on the other hand, are allowed to be pretty much any shape, size, and pulchritude. I’m not talking about nonbinary/genderfluid people because, let’s face it, there aren’t that many high profile people who are not male or female.

I would be considered female or at least female-presenting. I am tired. It’s not on my list of things to care about. I am hoping to continue that in the new year. I don’t really relate to being a woman, but I don’t NOT relate to it, either. I would say that I feel closer to women than to men in general and we have shared experiences. On the other hand, I find women can be the worst when it comes to oppressing women, too. Something about upholding the patriarchy and being the ‘good’ woman.

The end of another year

Posted on December 27, 2022 by Minna Hong • 0 Comments

I cannot believe it’s nearly the end of another year. 2022 is nearly in the bag and it’s really whizzed by. Especially the last few months. Ian came to visit a year after my medical crisis. Kathleen came at the beginning of November. Both of those events were in a blink of the eye and the last quarter of the year seemed like one day. Now, we’re sitting on the day after Christmas and we’re less than a week from the new year.

2023.

How is that even possible? It’s been over a year since my medical crisis and I still don’t quite know what to do with it. When I talke about it, I pretty much say that it was a medical emergency or crisis from which I was not expected to recover. I leave it at that because I don’t want to bring down the conversation or make people feel sorry for me. I also don’t want it to sound like a humblebrag, which I know it does. “Oh, it was no big thing. I just had two cardiac arrests and a stroke, but I didn’t have to do any PT or rehab for them.” Unspoken is the “It ain’t no big thang.”

I know I was lucky. I am grateful that I escaped the negative ramifications of my medical crisis that most people usually go through. I scoured the internet to find a therapy group for people who survived cardiac arrests. I did not finy one. Why? Because most people who have cardiac arrests die. 90%. This is something that got impressed upon me while I was in the hospital. I shouldhave died. Or rather, I should have stayed dead. I died twice! My heart doctor said that to me.

I should be dead. This isn’t something I think about all the time, but it’s definitely in the back of my mind. I should not be alive. How does one really process that? In the RKG Discord, I was talking about almost dying and someone said he had almost died and it hadn’t changed the way he lived. In other words, he was still deperssed and anxious. I should have said that I actuallydied–not just that what happened to me was life-threatening. And I’m not trying to tell anyone else how they should feel about their near-death experiences.

All I can do is talk about my own. I literally died twice. I was without oxygen for a period of time. We don’t know how long, but it was enough that the police bagged me (with oxygen) when they came to my house.

So. Ok. I died twice in September of 2021. I spent the rest of that year recovering. No PT or rehab because I was fine in that sense. My motor skills were OK and once the blurriness of my eyesight disappeared, I could get back on the internet with no problem. I could type as fast as I used to (which is roughhly 100 wpm). The thing, though, was that I had no stamina. That was what affected me the most. It took me two months to get my stamina back. Saying that, I realize that I was incredibly lucky in that sense, too. Two months to be back to 100%? That is insanely lucky.

Resolution in the Face of Indecision

Posted on January 2, 2018 by Minna Hong • 0 Comments

I don’t have much use for New Year resolutions, but I’ve been finding myself at odds in the last month or so, and I’m not sure why. It could be because of the anniversary of the lost of my beloved Raven, or it might just be that time of year. At any rate, I’ve been more morose than I have been in some time. Maybe because I’m closer to fifty than to forty, but I’m contemplating the end of my life and what I’ll have to show for it. I will say that on the familial front, my relationship with my parents has never been better, and as I’ve said, I attribute it to taiji. My teacher was recently talking about how tension makes you numb so you can’t physically feel things. Then, when you first start to relax, all you can feel is tension. You had gotten so used to it, you never even noticed how tense you were. When my relationship with my parents was at its lowest, I had my shoulders hunched up around my ears metaphorically all the time. I was so tense all the time. Then, with the help of taiji, I learned to release the tension. It was great, but I started noticing how great my tension was. My shoulders were like rock, and the small of my back was constantly aching. Talking to my parents made me tenser, which I also noticed.

Quite frankly, this was the worst of both worlds. When I was tense all the time, it was just a way of life. I didn’t know any differently, so I just accepted it as normal. Then, I learned it wasn’t normal or even sustainable, but I didn’t feel I could do anything about it. Rather, I could keep doing taiji, which I have, but I didn’t feel I could do anything more tangible. So, I felt more physically horrible than I did when I was tense all the time, even though I was ostensibly doing better. I felt the same emotionally. For years, I had defenses a mile high, and I was bunkered down behind them. Once they started falling, but I yet didn’t have anything to take their place, I felt as if my emotions were pinging all over the place. It was a really uncomfortable place in which to be, and I felt powerless to do anything about it.

Now, I find I am much more able to control my emotions and not be as controlled by them. I’m in a better place emotionally, even if I’ve been more morose in the past few weeks. I’m also healthier overall, my recent illness not withstanding. I am no longer defensive when I talk to my parents, and we’re actually able to have meaningful conversations without shouting on either side. I’m astonished, actually, at how far we’ve come.

Tag Archives: resolutions