I’m still on that gender/martial arts tip. And on that mental health tip. Here is my post from yesterday about how I am smarter than most therapists. I know how that sounds, but it’s true. No, smarts aren’t everything, but they are something. And for me, I cannot respect someone I can manipulate. One of the best things about my last therapist was that she would call me out on my shit. She was a psychologist, which I vibe much better with than the social worker mindset.
Here’s my issue with finding a therapist. I need someone who understands being a person of East Asian descent living in Midwest America. Then, toss in grief and family dysfunction, and we are narrowing the field rapidly. If I dare say queer, well, we might as well shut this shit down now. I know that I can’t have everything I want in a therapist, but it’s really hard to pare it down to the essentials.
I am a firm believer in therapy. I think it can be so helpful, and I got a lot from my last thearpist. But I had to go through half-a-dozen mediocre therapists before that. They ranged from bad to blah. One was really bad, but it wasn’t completely her fault. Another was nice, but inept. Another I can’t remember at all. My last therapist was the best, but she had her blind spots as well. She was focused on mother issues, which meant at times she was biased for mothers in a way that was not helpful to me.
But the one thing I appreciated the most about her was the she called me on my shit. As I said, I had the tendency to talk circles around my therapists, but she would not let me do that. She would listen to me talk for several minutes. Then, she would cut me of and say something pithy. Early in our relationship, after one of my long ramblings, she said, “Minna, thinking is what got you into your troubles; it’s not going to get you out of it.” I protested, but she was right. Or rather, she was not wrong. I had the tendency to talk myself in circles without actually getting anywhere. I could get deep in the weeds without even touching on the actual isue. Much like my writing, come to think of it.
My point is, while I believe in therapy, I have a hard time doing it myself. The last time I tried, I looked at a popular website that is pushed by content creators. I was horrified by how it was run, though, and when I did more research into it, I realized that it was not good. Not just for potential clients, but also for the therapists who were working for it.
I also looked at the Psychology Today website for local therapists. I found plenty of Asian nonmale ones, but when I started adding other qualifiers, the numbers quickly dwindled. Asian and queer? They are few and far between, and I have yet to find one who is a psychologist.
In other words, I have to decide which of the two three I want the most. It’s that meme about if you want something fast, cheap, and good, you have to pick two of them. I have found someone (in a quick Google right now) who is East Asian, gender nonconforming, and a creative person. In the bio for this person whom I’ll call “E” (because there are no pronouns for E), E mentions racial identity, gender/sexual identities, and trauma.
I felt an immediate connection to E by looking at E’s picture. I think E might be agender, given the lack of pronouns. If that is the case, it is a big old tick in E’s favor. E also does somatic massage, but that’s only if you go in person. I don’t intend on doing that because I can’t drive comfortably.
I felt a positive vibe as I looked at E’s picture. By the way, it’s a little weird to me that vibes are becoming such a big thing these days when they were sneered at a decade or two ago. Dismissed as some hippy-dippy thing, they are very much back in fashion now. Which I like, I hasten to add. Even though I try not to show it, I’m all about my emotions.
Until I find a therapist, my happy place is my weapons. I know that’s not grammatically correct, but it’s good enough to get the gist across.
I am at my happiest when I have a weapon in my hand and am moving it around in the air. I was messing around with my fan and karambit just because I could, and it made my heart skip a beat. I was so happy, and I could go on for hours about why. I also kept on keeping on with doing the Cane Form with my saber, which made me happy as well.
I also had to put more care into the Swimming Dragon Form because I forgot a chunk of it. That’s not a weapon form, but it’s still a different form. And it’s one that I have to be careful about because it’s in a new (to me) martial art. I had a friend ask if I didn’t get confused learning all these different forms at the same time. I said no because they all had different vibes. But, with Bagua, I’m slowly starting to teach myself the left side of the form at the same time as I’m learning the right side. I think this is why I’m messing up slightly on the right side. It’s too much to keep in my brain from the same martial art. Especially a new one.
I can’t get enough. I don’t think I can gorge too hard on my most recent obsession. As I mentioned before, I don’t have any sharp weapons, so the most I can do is bonk myself (which I’ve done). That’s not much of anything, and I don’t mind bruises and scrapes.
I will say that it’s work. I have been thinking of quitting my weightlifting set because I don’t need more weight-bearing exercise. I like it, though, so I might keep doing it. One great thing about Taiji/Bagua is that I’m not going to pull a muscle doing any of this. That’s one of the best things about Taiji (and probably Bagua): there’s very little chance of hurting yourself (if you do it correctly. Or even if you fuck up, but not in an extremely foolish way). There’s a reason many of the masters are in their eighties and probably even nineties.
That’s all for today. More tomorrow.