Am I really going to write more about gender and martial arts? Why, yes, yes I am. Why? Because I can. And because I have more to say about it. Here is my post from yesterday in which I talked about finding a therapist. Mostly, I focused on how diufficult it is for me to find a therapist, even when I whittle down my epectations. However, as I was writing about it yesterday, I did another quick (five minutes) Google and found someone who fit very well. Except.
E is not a psychologist. I touched on why this is an issue for me yesterday, but I wanted to expand on it more in this post.
Look. I’m going to sound snobby, but so be it. I have run rings around my therapists in the past except for the last one. She was a Jungian psychologist whereas the others were social workers. And it’s easy to see the clear difference in the training. At least it is for me. I was a psych major in college, and I’m very adept at reading people. This is both a good thing and a bad thing.
It can’t hurt to at least talk to E, though. E has a free consultation and does both online and in-person sessions. I would do the former, which is not ideal, but the best I can do at the moment. And it’s better than nothing.
I have been expanding my weapon time because there is so much I want to learn. I got my new fan–the frame is metallic rather than plastic or bamboo. I have to say, I’m disappointed in it because it does not flick open easily. Maybe it’s because of the cold and it’ll be better once it warms up, but I would not count on it.
In addition, it does not close without a hitch, either. So my shitty seven dollar cheapo fan is actually better for the Fan Form than my more expensive metal one. I guess it makes sense given the intricacy of the fan, but I can’t help being a bit disappointed.
I have to pace myself. I was practicing the Swimming Dragon Form (Bagua), and I reached a point where I totally forgot what was next. I had been doing the first few movements on the left side, and I think that was messing with my brain. I watched my teacher doing the form, and it came back to me. Plus, I had to adjust a few movements, too.
I also tried using two fans to do the Double Saber form. That was interesting, but it did not work that well. The vibes were off, and I didn’t gel with the feel of it. It was fun to do, though.
It’s astounding how each demo opens my mind a bit more. The first time I went, I thought everyone was a master. There was no way I would ever be that good! And it was right after I started learning the Sword Form, so I was eager to see them perform that Frorm. There was a vendor selling swords, and I unerringly picked the most expensive one. It’s still the one I use to this day so it’s more than paid for itself.
Fast-forward ten years. Right before the pandemic hit, I went to the demo for that year. My teacher’s classmate did the Double Saber Form, and I instantly fell in love. In addition, I participated in a few of the forms and noticed that the other participants weren’t as good as I remembered them being. I’m not saying they’re bad, but that I’ve gotten better.
This was the mark of the beginning of my absolute obsession with the weapons. Unfortunately, it was also the beginning of the pandemic, which meant the end to me going to class in person. It also was the end of…well, let me put it this way. My teacher’s strength is not in the weapons. She is competent in several of them, but does not care for them.
I did not realize this for the longest time that my teacher did not care for the weapons. She was good at hiding it, and she was enthusiastic as she taught me the Sword Form. When we moved onto the Saber Form, we both were unhappy. I was unhappy because I was expecting it to be like the Sword Form, and it wasn’t. She was unhappy because she did not know the form as well as she would have liked, and there were two movements at the end of the fourth row that she did not feel comfortable with at all.
A confluence of events happened so we did not touch that form for another year or two. When we got back to it, I had a whole different perspective on it. I never fell in love with it the way I did the sword, but I have learned to appreciate it for what it is.
Now, with doing the Cane Form with the saber, I’m creeping towards falling in love weth the saber. And I’ve started to like the cane so much more as well. It’s a miracle, but I’ll take it.
I want to do all the weapons. All of them. The demo this year busted open my mind, and then seeing my teacher’s teacher doing the Cane Form with a saber let me know that all the rules were out the window.
Oh, I messed around a bit more with the karambit and the fan. That’s still a good combo because of the yin and the yang.
I feel like anything is possible now. I’m unleashed, and it feels good. In addition, it’s not anything serious. As I said to my teacher, it’s not canon. There is something so freeing about moving my weapons however I want. I did it before with my sword (there’s a sword dancing form), but it feels wilder to do it with two different weapons.
I could gush about my weapons forever. They have changed my life in ways I can’t quite explain. More tomorrow.