Honing my aggression

I love Taiji. It saved my life. Both figuratively and literally. When  I was drowning in depression, Taiji gave me a meaning in life and allowed me to temporary calm my anxious mind. It helped me set boundaries with my parents–and, more importantly, it allowed me to put some distance between us. I simultaneous cared less about what they thought of me and cared more about how I felt about myself.

I became less clausterphobic. I will never like being in crowds, especially because of COVID and how susceptible I am to germs, but I no longer freak out in them. I can find spaces where there seem to be none and slither my way through. I was better able to put up boundaries, which helped with my family, and more to the point, I got more self-confidence. I was by no means perfect, but I was in a much better place than I had been before I starcted Taiji.

Then I had my medical crisis and Taiji literally saved my life. I have said more than once that the three things that brought me back to life were love, luck, and Taiji. I firmly believe that the fifteen years I studied Taiji before getting hit with non-COVID-related walking pneumonia, two cardiac arrests, and a stroke prepared my body for taking those hits. And coming back after a week of unconsciousness.

Taiji has done so much for my mental health and physical health. It has helped me relax and it has gotten rid of all my body aches. And, I don’t have to mention yet again about my love for Taiji weapons–but I will because I can and I want to. Taiji weapons are my life and my love, and I can talk about them all day long. I am currently teaching myself the left side of the Cane Form, and then I’ll move onto the Double Sabers. Probably. Still my favorite form.

Taiji is the Sunday relaxation martial rat. It’s grabbing a cup of hot tea, snuggling down under a duvet, and reading a good book. It’s comfortable and comforting, and it’s like a big hug. A warm bath, if you will, that soothes frayed nerves.

Bagua, on the other hand, says a big fuck you to all that! In my last post, I touched on that mentality a bit. but I want to explore it even more in this post. I’ve been practicing walking the circle over the past few weeks. There is such a different feeling when I do that versus when I do Taiji.

It’s funny. I Googled ‘songs about aggression’ for this post, and all the links were to songs about anger and being angry. Which, no. That was not what I was asking for. Aggression and anger are not necessarily related. They can be, of course, but they don’t have to be. There can be a healthy amount of aggression, but it’s not seen that way in our society. It’s like the word fat. It’s a neutral word, but it’s morphed into meaning something very bad. Aggressive doesn’t have to be negative, really. Ok, yes, it’s on the aggressive side (heh), but–hm. OK. Maybe it is negative. Assertive would be the neutral term, I guess. Let’s go with that instead?

It’s an interesting thought. Is being aggressive inherently negative? This is an honset question–not just me being snarky. I think I could say that defending yourself aggressively would not be a negative as long as you use an appropriate amount of exertion. I thkn that is the key.

Stand your ground is often used as a way to kill black people here in the States. It reaches the point where you don’t even have to reasonably feel danger in order to shoot. But with true defensive measures in which you are legitimately fearing for your life,  then I think aggression is called for.

Here’s the thing. In this society, women are taught to be nice at any cost. Even if they are being attacked, they have to calibrate how much they can do in response. Men are excused some aggression, but women are not. Even a normal amount of assertiveness is seen as too much in women. If I were attacked, I think anything is acceptable to fend off the attacker.

This is where Bagua comes in. I started Taiji because I wanted to be able to defend myself. I had swag, but I didn’t have anything to back it up. I walked with an attitude that kept away 90% of the people. Yes, the people in general–which was what I wanted. The last 10%, though, that was where I was worried. If someone seriously came at me, then I would have nothing.

I wanted an internal martial art beacuse I’m not getting any younger and I wanted something I could do for all my life. Taiji is that martial art. My teacher had a student who was in her nineties and Taiji hepled her with her dementia and other issues as an older person.

Taiji has helped me loosen up, both physically and emotionally. It has changed my life. That is not an exaggeration. My quality of life is so much better now that I practice Taiji every day. Because of Taiji, I no longer hate myself or think I should be dead.

To be fair, though, actually dying twice showed me that I was NOT having any of that. I fought to stay alive with everything I had. And, once I came back to life, I realized I would do anything to stay that way. I did not take it for granted that I was alive. To this day, I still appreciate that I am not dead. It’s not as keen as it was when I first woke up, but that’s only to be expected. You can’t spend every minute gawping in awe, no matter how much you might feel it in your heart. But, it’s the last day of March and we’re supposed to get eight inches of snow tonight. That feels fantastic! But in a week or two, it’ll all be melted.

That’s the way life goes. Everything is momentary, and there’s no way to hold onto anything for more than a minute. Taiji has taught me that, and it’s gotten me to be less tense. It’s about receiving what others give to you and redirecting it back to them.

Bagua is about smacking people in the face. Literally. It’s not about being chill and receptive. It’s about aggro and making people fear you. But, yet, still it’s very matter-of-fact. Like, the practitioner is not puffed up and going hard at the other person. But the practitioner is going to go at the other person, don’t you forget it.

I love it. I’ve been having a blast, and it’s definitely exercise. I get a pleasant ache after I do it, and I am getting nice definition in my muscles. I’m going to keep going with it and seeing how far I can take it. I love the weapons, including my beloved DeerHorn Knives. I look forward to doing more with them and buying real ones rather than just my practice ones.