It still boggles my mind that I am actually creating a weapon form. It’s not canon, and it’s not anything I would show to anyone right now, but I’m having a good time with it.
Oh, side note. I talked to my brother about the Xfinity issue, and it may be on my side. So I’m going to test it out and see if it is my bad. It’s not completely on me (I know this as a fact), but if there’s anything I can do to mitigate it, well, that’s a plus, I guess.
I’m so worn-out right now. My sleep has been completely off the rails, and my anxiety is keeping me up at nights. I can’t deal with the world around me, and I want to do better in my personal life as well. I don’t feel like it’s worth it, though. Or rather, I don’t feel like the world is worth it. And that’s how I know I need to find a therapist.
Back to weapons. In yesterday’s post, I was rambling all over the place. One thing I wanted to talk about and kind of did, is that one thing people don’t tell yopu about exercise is taht you want to find something you enjoy doing. I mentioned that I walked four miles a day for a year while I was in the East Bay, and I hated every step. It never got better. I never actually liked it. I just did it because I had no other way of doing exercise. Once I got back to Minnesota, I gave it up in a hot second.
After my medical crisis, while my parents were here, I started going for a walk with them every day. I didn’t want to, but it was easier to go than to argue about it with my mother. And I still hated it. In part because my father walks reaaaaaaaallly slowly. Even after my medical crisis, I walked at a brisk pace (once i got my energy back). I figured out that the way to do it was to walk fast on the way out, wait for them to catch up, and then stroll with them on the way back. It still wasn’t great, but that made it manageable.
It will never be my first choice for exercise. Walking, I mean. People extol how great it is, but I hate it. Let me amend that. I hate doing it for exercise. I don’t mind doing it just to get from Point A to Point B. Why is that? I’m not sure. I think it’s because when I’m doing it to get where I need to be, I just accept it’s something I have to do. When I try to do it as exercise, I resent the hell out of it. Let’s not talk about running, which I loathe with the intensity of a thousand suns.
It’s still a miracle that I kept with Taiji. The first time I took it, it was a disaster. The teacher was a self-centered, creepy, handsy white guy who fancied himself a guru (and perhaps a cult leader). he was sleeping with a student, taking advantage of his other students fiscally, and that was some of the milder things he did.
On the teaching side, he wasn’t good at that, either. I was in a beginner’s class that never got further than halfway into the Solo Form. His excuse was that there was always new people, so he had to start them from the beginning. Uhhhhh….sure. For a year-and-a-half. Right. Also, his senior students adapted his less than savory traits, but did not realize that they had.
When I got to my second teacher (my current one), I was prickly and had a chip on my shoulder. I had a list of things that I did and did not want in a teacher, and I was pretty clear that I would walk if certain lines were crossed.
I railed against the Solo Form for the entire time I was learning it (roughly a year). I thought about quitting so many times. I could not make myself practice at home. This was the first few years I was studying.
It’s pretty wondrous to think about my journey from then to now. It’s been a wild ride with ups and downs, but with a steady upward climb overall.
I cannot imagine my life without my weapons. I feel so much better when I’m pracicing, and I’m rattled if I don’t get my practice in. Or rather, until I get my practice in. I have not had a day when I have not had a class or done a practice since, well, my medical crisis.
I am working on my karambit/fan form. For now, I’m just messing around. However, I can see myself doing an actual form in the foreseeable future.
That’s still mindblowing to me. Me–when I considered myself a newbie or a dabbler (a dilettante, if you will) just a few months ago. How did I go from dilettante to, well, not a master, but an advanced student in a few months? It’s not ajust the last few months; it’s my whole decade-and-a-half of practice. This is how life works. Even when there is something that seems to be a suddent breakthrough, it’s never sudden. The build-up may not have been seen or felt, even by the person it’s happening to, but it’s there.
In my case, it’s been happening for the last decade. I will say that there was a jump in the last six months ago, but it’s not as if I haven’t been improving the whole time. With plateaus in there as well, of course. In general, though, it’s been a steady climb. And I am pretty pleased with myself. This is not something I could have said a year ago, so I’m glad that I can say it now.
It’s weird. Normally, I owuld feel odd about praising bmyself because it’s simply Not Done. In my family, I mean. For me. I was never allowed to feel good about anything for many reasons I won’t get into. That’s all for tonight. More tomorrow.