Here is my post from yesterday in which I blathered about weapons. I am going to do more of the same in this post.
I have struggled with what to call myself in terms of my status, for the lack of a better word, because I was not and have not been a newbie for quite some time. I would never call myself a master, either, beacuse that’s well above my pay grade. Advanced student just feels right. It’s not too specific, but it’s not overly broad, either.
I would be down with senior student as well. These seem to have roughly the same meaning. I get that it’s still a pretty wide range, but it feels apt to me.
I have mentioned several times that I feel like a switch has been flipped inside of me. Roughly six months ago, I would have said that I liked weapons and really dug the forms. But I would not have said that I was…I dunno. Serious about them?
It’s hard to say because I have imposter syndrome. I think I’m worse at everything than I really am. Well, most everything. I am (or was) confident in my writing, my ability to talk to people (but that comes with massive downsides, and it was not something I chose to do), my charm (which I don’t want to abuse), and a few other things. And I’ve been confident in my weapon forms in that I learn them fairly easily.
But I was not doing hours of weapon forms practice a day. I was not min-maxing my weapons. I am so not a min-maxer–in games or in weapons. I talked about how I would look at weapon forums, and it was just not for me. I’m not a tech head in anything I do. I’m a heavy tech user, yes, but only to the extent in which it’s useful to me. I don’t care about specs except how much I need to to run what I want to run.
It’s the same with the weapons. I care only to the extent that they feel good and move nicely in the air. The spec themselves don’t matter to me. I will admit that looks matter to me. I want my weapons to look and feel good. I am a bit miffed that there are no really great fans. I bought a nice aluminum one, but it is so stiff. All the base ones have, ah, really bad printed pictures on them. Sigh.
It’s weird, actually. I don’t understand why I can’t find a better fan than the ten dollar one I have. I mean, I can find a slightly better version and have (with bamboo ribs rather than plastic), but the pictures on the better ones are still pretty basic. I know that’s a minor point, but I would feel so much better if I could find a prettier fan.
I have cleaned up the Fan Form, mostly. There is still one spot in which I want to check out the videos again. I had a breakthrough with the Cane Form, and two postures that were previously troubling me now make sense. I don’t know how I made the connection in my mind, and now I can’t understand how I messed it up so badly for so long. It’s not the fault of my teacher. She showed me the right way to do it. I videotaped her doing it the right way. It was just something in my brain that was broken.
I am shocked at how easily I can do it now. I’m glad, too. I am also still doing the Cane Form with the saber, which is fantastic as well. I am pleased with how well I’m doing with both the forms, both sides. I have to say that every time, too. That I do them on both sides, I mean.
Let’s recap how many forms I know/am working on now. There’s the Sword Form, right and left sides. Saber Form, right and left sides. Cane Form, right and left sides. Cane Form with the saber, right and left sides. Fan Form, right side. Double Saber Form, right side. Half of the Karambit Form, night side. Solo (Long) Form, both sides. To a certain extent. Swimming Dragon Form, right side. And I do some spear/staff drills, too.
It’s funny to look back and remember how much I resisted learning the Sword Form, and now, I’m adding weapon forms as quickly as I can. Not in a hasty manner, I want to clarify. I am not adding them willy-nilly because I want to be thoughtful about it. But it’s very addictive to me in that once I’m done with one, I cannot wait to learn another one.
I like this balance I have of learning new forms while also refining/cleaning up old ones. And creating my own form, which is a whole different thing.
I finally feel as if I’m coming into my own. I loved the weapons form the moment I touched a sword, but this dedication to the weapon forms is something new to me. I don’t talk about it because I know how it sounds. Except for with my Taiji teacher because she gets it. Even though weapons are not her thing, she understands being utterly captivated by Taiji.
When I gush excitedly about my weapons, she laughs and tells me how happy she is that I am that excited. She is proud of me for putting in the work to be where I am now. And it feels good. I will admit to a small modicum of pride in having soared lately in my weaponry. I feel like I’m finally taking it seriously, and it’s a part of me like nothing else.
I am ready to take it to the next level, even if I don’t know exactly what that entails. Obviously, there will be more weapon forms to learn and I do intend to create an actual legit karambit/fan form. Or maybe a different form if that one hdoes not gel the way I want it to. As I have mentioned many times, I do things mainly on vibes so if I’m not feeling it, I will try something else.
More tomorrow.