Let’s talk even more about weapons. I love them, and they are my passion. Today, I firmed up the Swimming Dragon Form. Not a weapon form, but still something invigorating (and new, to me). I love it so much, and I’m eager to teach myself the left side. I’ve done the first four or so movements as a way to practice doing it on tnhe other side. I have not had a problem teaching myself the left side of other forms, but the Swimming Dragon Form is giving me a bit of trouble. I’m not too down about it because it’s a new martial art completely, the walking the circle meditation notwithstanding.
My impulse is to jump immediately into the left side of the Swimming Dragon Form. I don’t think that’s a good idea, though. I’m still a bit iffy on the right side. I have to say that it’s been refreshing to do something completely new and different. I wouldn’t say it’s been hard, per se, but it’s not been a breeze, either.
Just a note: I am a fast learner for many things. In part because I don’t do things I’m not instantly good at. I’m not saying this is a good thing, but it’s how I am. It doesn’t help that I’m good at many things. I have not built up resilience in my being when it comes to things I suck at. It doesn’t help that I got shit on by my mother if I was anything less than perfect from the rip. My father would feel the same, too, if he could be bothered to care about me at all. As a person, I mean.
It’s weird. Now that he is in deep dementia, he cares more about me than he ever has. Or rather, he wants the attention from me that he never really cared about when he was here. I still don’t think he cares about me as a prson, but he’s lonely. My mother and brother have told me that no one visits him. My mother is upset that his family doesn’t see him, but, to be brutally honest, I don’t blame them.
First of all, my mother uses guilt as a way to get what she wants. Like saying one of my cousins owes so much to my father because he’s done so much for her. Ok, my mother didn’t say the first part out loud, but she implied it. And she definitely said the latter part to my cousin. In her mind, my father is the most important person on earth, and she can’t see why other people don’t see it the same way.
Here’s the thing. My father is not a pleasant man. He never has been, but in the past, he had a veneer of charm that allowed him to get away with being a deeply self-centered and selfish person. Now, however, that veneer is gone. It’s understandable, honestly, given his condition, but it doesn’t make him easy or pleasant to be around.