Let’s talk even more about weapons. I love them, and they are my passion. Today, I firmed up the Swimming Dragon Form. Not a weapon form, but still something invigorating (and new, to me). I love it so much, and I’m eager to teach myself the left side. I’ve done the first four or so movements as a way to practice doing it on tnhe other side. I have not had a problem teaching myself the left side of other forms, but the Swimming Dragon Form is giving me a bit of trouble. I’m not too down about it because it’s a new martial art completely, the walking the circle meditation notwithstanding.
My impulse is to jump immediately into the left side of the Swimming Dragon Form. I don’t think that’s a good idea, though. I’m still a bit iffy on the right side. I have to say that it’s been refreshing to do something completely new and different. I wouldn’t say it’s been hard, per se, but it’s not been a breeze, either.
Just a note: I am a fast learner for many things. In part because I don’t do things I’m not instantly good at. I’m not saying this is a good thing, but it’s how I am. It doesn’t help that I’m good at many things. I have not built up resilience in my being when it comes to things I suck at. It doesn’t help that I got shit on by my mother if I was anything less than perfect from the rip. My father would feel the same, too, if he could be bothered to care about me at all. As a person, I mean.
It’s weird. Now that he is in deep dementia, he cares more about me than he ever has. Or rather, he wants the attention from me that he never really cared about when he was here. I still don’t think he cares about me as a prson, but he’s lonely. My mother and brother have told me that no one visits him. My mother is upset that his family doesn’t see him, but, to be brutally honest, I don’t blame them.
First of all, my mother uses guilt as a way to get what she wants. Like saying one of my cousins owes so much to my father because he’s done so much for her. Ok, my mother didn’t say the first part out loud, but she implied it. And she definitely said the latter part to my cousin. In her mind, my father is the most important person on earth, and she can’t see why other people don’t see it the same way.
Here’s the thing. My father is not a pleasant man. He never has been, but in the past, he had a veneer of charm that allowed him to get away with being a deeply self-centered and selfish person. Now, however, that veneer is gone. It’s understandable, honestly, given his condition, but it doesn’t make him easy or pleasant to be around.
My mother complains about his family not visiting him while hers does, but there are good reasons for it. One, they are more into Taiwanes superstitions than her family is. They do ancestor worship and did not tell my father’s sister when she had cancer. So it’s not really a surprise that they would consider my father’s dementia to be either a moral failing and/or something to steer clear of. Not that they would think they could literally catch it, but it’s not that uncommon to steer clear of that kind of thing. It happens here in Amernica as well.
I need this. By this I mean my weapons. I’m struggling, and it’s the one thing that keeps me centered. Every day, I just lose myself in the weapons because they take me to the place where I need to be. The problem is that with all I’m doing, I can’t put in more time with the weapons. Or rather, I don’t want to do shorten the rest of my practice.
This is the thing. Right now, I spend about a half hour on warm-ups, a half hour on weapons, and a half hour on other stuff (including more Bagua and Taiji).
That’s an hour-and-a-half a day. That’s doable. Oh, and five minutes of the weight set twice a week, but I don’t really count that. I mean, I count it as something I do, but it doesn’t take much time.
So, overall, I do between 1 1/2 hours and 2 hours a day. That’s about what I feel comfortable with. If I do more, it’s going to slip into obsession, which is not what I want to do. I mean, yes, I am already obsessed with my weapons, but I know that I’m teetering on the edge of going over–the edge, I mean.
For now, I’m focused on the following: I have finished the Swimming Dragon Form. I’m going to polish it up and then in a few days, I’m going to start on the Bagua Deerhorn Knives Form. I can’t tell you how excited I am about that. These are my favorite weapons, and I have only messed around with them a bit.
Here’s the odd thing, though. As much as I love weapons when I’m just moving them in the air, they feel so different when I’m actually doing the forms. It’s not better or worse–it’s just different. Yes, I’m talking about vibes again. It’s so chill when I’m moving a weapon in the air with no intent. When I do have intent, there’s a much different feel to the weapon.
I also need to refine my Double Saber Form. I’ve decided that this is a thing. I need to revisit and brush up on my forms every six months or so. I’m not saying this like it’s a bad thing, by the way. I am always eager and excited to tweak, refine, and improve. I think that’s says something about my commitment because usually, I would hate having to perfect anything. Again, I’m used to being good at the rip, which is both a hindrance and a boon.
I’m done for tonight. More tomorrow.