Let’s talk about hubris. In yesterday’s post, I had said that I would be fine with tutoring several different forms. In class yesterday morning, I led a beginner student in the first several movements in the third section of the Solo Long Form. I forgot the name of a movement I’ve done several hundred times, and I was a bit unsure on the counts. Plus, I went much faster than my teacher (I tend to rush in general), and I was a bit flustered as I was on Zoom and she (the student) was in person.
It’s teacher’s fright, really. My teacher has talked about how it’s a form of stage/ performance fright. Of course, it works the opposite way as well. You can know a segment of the a form to perfection and then lose it when the teacher watches you do it.
When I used to perform, I would do Taiji beforehand in order to chill out. I don’t know what I would do before a Taiji demo, though, because would Taiji help me chill out before doing Taiji again? Probably a little. Also, just accepting that I’m going to fuck up is probably the best thing to do. That’s what my teacher advises, and she’s very cool about us making mistakes.
I am nearly done with teaching myself the Fan Form. Obviously, it’s much easier the second time around than it was the first. There were whole chunks I could just glide on by, but I still had to polish up little movements here and there in the sections I remembered. Normally, I would be castigating myself, but for whatever reason, I was not upset that I hadn’t remembered crhunks of the Fan Form.
I think it’s because it’s the first form I taught myself after my medical crisis. Or right before it, but had to reteach it to myself. I think it’s the former, but I’m not sure. It’s the form of my teacher’s teacher’s (other) student. She has her own studio in Denver (I think it’s Denver), and my teacher’s teacher has given it his aproval. If it’s good enough for him, it’s obviously good enough for me.
It’s fascinating how I’ve completely forgotten chunks of the Fan Form. I had said to my teacher before that it seemed a bit short–well, yeah. That’s because I forgot roughly ten of the movements! Or melded a few together. I’m not saying it’s long, but it’s definitely not short. I also said that I wanted more opening and closing of the fan. And, yes, I had forgotten a few of those, too.
It’s taught me a lesson about how I teach myself. I tend to do everything quickly, whether it’s learning, practicing Taiji, or typing. This is no a brag, humble or not, but it’s just facts. It can be a deterrence when I don’t learn something quickly because then I tend to just give up.