Let’s talk about hubris. In yesterday’s post, I had said that I would be fine with tutoring several different forms. In class yesterday morning, I led a beginner student in the first several movements in the third section of the Solo Long Form. I forgot the name of a movement I’ve done several hundred times, and I was a bit unsure on the counts. Plus, I went much faster than my teacher (I tend to rush in general), and I was a bit flustered as I was on Zoom and she (the student) was in person.
It’s teacher’s fright, really. My teacher has talked about how it’s a form of stage/ performance fright. Of course, it works the opposite way as well. You can know a segment of the a form to perfection and then lose it when the teacher watches you do it.
When I used to perform, I would do Taiji beforehand in order to chill out. I don’t know what I would do before a Taiji demo, though, because would Taiji help me chill out before doing Taiji again? Probably a little. Also, just accepting that I’m going to fuck up is probably the best thing to do. That’s what my teacher advises, and she’s very cool about us making mistakes.
I am nearly done with teaching myself the Fan Form. Obviously, it’s much easier the second time around than it was the first. There were whole chunks I could just glide on by, but I still had to polish up little movements here and there in the sections I remembered. Normally, I would be castigating myself, but for whatever reason, I was not upset that I hadn’t remembered crhunks of the Fan Form.
I think it’s because it’s the first form I taught myself after my medical crisis. Or right before it, but had to reteach it to myself. I think it’s the former, but I’m not sure. It’s the form of my teacher’s teacher’s (other) student. She has her own studio in Denver (I think it’s Denver), and my teacher’s teacher has given it his aproval. If it’s good enough for him, it’s obviously good enough for me.
It’s fascinating how I’ve completely forgotten chunks of the Fan Form. I had said to my teacher before that it seemed a bit short–well, yeah. That’s because I forgot roughly ten of the movements! Or melded a few together. I’m not saying it’s long, but it’s definitely not short. I also said that I wanted more opening and closing of the fan. And, yes, I had forgotten a few of those, too.
It’s taught me a lesson about how I teach myself. I tend to do everything quickly, whether it’s learning, practicing Taiji, or typing. This is no a brag, humble or not, but it’s just facts. It can be a deterrence when I don’t learn something quickly because then I tend to just give up.
When I was learning the Sword Form, there were two other people in my class who were learning alongside me. By the way, I have included a video of a Yang-style Fan Form. Again, not the one I know, but a good one, nonetheless.
Side Note: That’s something I had to get used to–there is no one Yang-style form of anything. I mean, there probably is an official Yang-style Solo Form, but there are many iterations. Master Liang, one of my teacher’s teacher’s teachers, was the first in his lineage to learn from more than one teacher. Or at least the first to actually admit it.
I don’t know why, but I feel like I’ve decided to get serious about the weapons. I’ve loved them for over a decade, but I’ve been pretty lackadaisical about learning them. At least that’s how it’s felt to me. My teacher has been completely supportive of me learning more weapons. I really appreciate that she does not get ego-driven about weapons at all. She knows they are not her thing, so she does not mind that I teach them to myself.
In fact, when I sent her a video of a Fan Form asking if it was OK if I taught it to myself, she said it was fine and that she trusted me to teach myself whatever weapon form I wanted to learn. That really warmed me and made me feel like I haven’t been a dilettante. Thats’ my worry in my head–that I’m just dabbling. I’ve seen my teacher’s classmate, the one who is really dedicated to the weapons. She started roughly the same time I did (I think) and is much further that I am in her studies. She’s a really great person, too.
It’s hard not to be jealous of her, but then I remind myself that I haven’t been as dedicated to the weapons as she has. In other words, it’s the natural consequences of my (in)actions. I have tried to find a weapons teacher with no success. I don’t mind teaching myself, but I think I would be better off with an actual teacher.
I am almost done with the Fan Form. I should be done in a few days, but let’s be generous and say a week. After that, I’m going to finish up the Karambit Form because that’s been hanging over my head for years. It’s only the last row that I need to finish, but I’m sure I have to refine the first three rows as well.
It’s funny how you’d think the more forms I added to my brain, the more confused I would be about them. But no. B ecause each weapon is so distinct, it’s not that hard to keep them separated. Whent I grab a certain weapon, the knowledge of the form just flows into my body. I will say that wokring on the left side does fuck up my brain sometimes, but that’s just the way it goes.
I don’t like to blame everything on my medical crisis, but I’m going to do it, anyway. My memory is much spottier since then. It’s weird that it doesn’t faze me, but I have to keep it in the back of my mind that my memory is about half as good as it used to be. I have regained some of it, but not nearly enough.
That’s all for now. More tomorrow.