Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: elimination diet

I can’t accept the new me

One of my flaws is that I have a fairly rigid way of looking at myself. I tend to think of myself in terms of absolutes, which does not allow for any change. I’m grumpy, cynical, depressed, fat, and  introverted. That’s who I am. Taiji, video games, writing, and reading. That’s what I do. More specifically, blades, Souls, mysteries, and mysteries (respectively). It’s a weird tension because when I ignore what I know about myself, it doesn’t usually go well. Some small examples–going to see Pulp Fiction with a boyfriend (many years after it was released). It was his favorite movie, and he really wanted me to see it. I warned him that I was not going to like it. I knew I wouldn’t, but he was convinced that either I would like it or he would be ok with me not liking it.

Reader, I didn’t like it, and he wasn’t ok with it. Not only did I not like it, I fucking hated it. I loathed it with every pore of my being. I thought it was shallow, grotesque, and painfully hipster. I hated everything about it. When my boyfriend asked me what I thought about it afterwards, I made the mistake of telling him. Not in the terms above, but more as what I saw about it that was problematic. After I was done, there were several seconds of silence. Then he said he couldn’t be with someone with that kind of worldview and dumped me on the spot. He wanted to be ‘just friends’*, and we saw two other movies together. Both that he loved and insisted I’d love (we are both slow learners), and I hated both.

Here’s the weird thing about me. I don’t always know what I’ll like, but I know what I don’t like. Not sure what that says about me, but there you go. When I hate something, I hate it hard. If I hate something from the start, I do not change my mind. The biggest glaring exemption to this is Dark Souls, the original. I hated it as I was playing it, and now, it’s one of my favorite games of all time. You know what? That’s not entirely correct. When I first started playing it, I was instantly hooked even though I was so bad at it. That is unusual in and of itself because I normally refuse to do things I’m not good at. For some reason, however, I kept playing Dark Souls. I nearly quit once (Bell Gargs), quit for months once (Gaping Dragon), and came thisclose to quitting for good (Biggie & Small), but I overcame all those hurdles and felt like a goddess. Then, the second half, which I hated every minute. I was sick and tired by the end, but I made it through the whole game, including DLC. I remember saying in my brain once I was done, “I never have to play this game again.” Ah, how young and naive I was back then.

I actually held to it–until Dark Souls II was announced. For whatever reason, my lizard brain said I had to play that game. In order to prepare for it, I decided to play the first game again. Why? I don’t know. That’s how my brain works. Also, I wasn’t going to buy the second game on release, so I had time to play the first game at my leisure. Considering it took me nearly 150 hours to play it the first time, I needed as much time as I could to play it again. Playing it a second time made me a complete 180 on the game, and it’s now the game to which I compare every other game. I’ve played it probably a dozen times, and I’ve played the third one twice that.


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Going into the fray

i just can't help myself.
So delicious, and yet….

I’ve started my elimination diet–or rather, the opposite of an elimination diet. The targeted diet, or as I’m calling it, “I eat what the fuck I want” diet. Within reason. I’m not tackling dairy or gluten yet–by the way, when I told my doctor I had cut them out, she said it wouldn’t be possible to test for an allergy/sensitivity because I needed to have it in my system in order to test for it. The point of this diet is to eat copious amounts of the things I think I might be sensitive to and see how I react. Right now, I’m eating a ton of hummus (garlic), and I’ve noticed that my reaction at first is a slight breathing shortage and a fuzziness inside. It’s a very mild reaction, much like when I drank alcohol. There are two tubs of hummus, one that is just roasted garlic, and the other that is ‘everything’, which means onion, garlic, and sesame seeds. Yesterday, after eating a bunch of hummus feeling slightly uncomfortable, I suddenly felt really uncomfortable. More inside fuzziness and more shortness of breath.

I should note that I’m using carrots as the vehicle for the hummus. I have found that I have a slight reaction to carrots in the past as well. My next test will be to eat the hummus on something  else–or alone, but it’s not as tasty alone. Now, I’m eating it on potato chips, which is surprisingly tasty. I think I’m pretty clear on being sensitive to something in hummus, and the next step will be to isolate what it is.

Side Note: The reason I’m doing a targeted attack rather than an elimination diet is because I want to figure it out as soon as possible rather than take months to figure it out. It’s a bit of a crapshoot (pun intended) because I might be overlooking something, and then I’d have to do an elimination diet, anyway. This is how I Google, by the way. I put in as much information as possible, then I widen the search as needed. My brother and I had a friendly disagreement about this because he put in very general terms and narrowed as he went. He said he’d rather be the one to narrow things down than let Google do it for him. This was years ago, and funnily enough, I asked him about it maybe six months ago, and he had switched to my way of Googling.

It’s the same thing I’m doing with this diet. I’m going after the obvious culprits first in the hopes for a quick and dirty solution. It’s day two, and I’ve already determined that there’s something in the hummus that I need to watch out for. Garlic and onion are both on the FODMAP diet list. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s one of the them that is causing the problem. I need to try more of the black bean hummus to see if it causes the same problems. If it does, then it’s garlic or sesame. If it doesn’t, then it’s chickpeas and/or onions.

I also bought two of the tofu scramble burritos and had one yesterday with fake cheeze. It did not seem to affect me much, and at no point yesterday did I have to race for the toilet. That’s not to say I didn’t have some digestive issues, but at least it wasn’t diarrhea. Another problem is that I may figure out that I’m sensitive to certain things, but not pinpoint what is causing the sudden diarrhea.

That’s a positive, of course, but I really want to know what it is that is causing the race for the toilet. I know what I have to do, but I am resisting it with all my might. I need to cook or at least eat foods that are singular units and not a combination of things.

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Alienated isolation

In reading Ask A Manager, I have come to realize how truly weird I am for a variety of reason. In this post, I’m going to focus on gift-giving. In the case of AAM, it’s work related, of course, but I can extrapolate in general. Or, conversely, ponder it as yet another reason I wouldn’t be a good fit for a 9-to-5 job. There are always questions about giving gifts, sometimes about to whom you should give them, but also often about what to give. Obviously, nothing personal, and most people said stick to consumables or flowers or some such.

Um. No. I can’t consume most of the popular holiday consumables–cheese and chocolate. I also don’t drink so wine is right out. As for flowers, well, I’m allergic to almost everything known to womankind. I still remember working for the county and every Christmas, the administrative assistants got poinsettias. That’s when I learned that I was really allergic to poinsettias–to the point where I had difficulty breathing. There were four administrative assistants in the area I was in, so the scent of the poinsettias was very overwhelming. I put mine as far from me as possible, but I couldn’t escape it. When I mentioned it to my boss, she shrugged and got me one the next year as well.

I’d like to point out that this isn’t just me being difficult. It’s not me saying, “I don’t like this thing. Please don’t give it to me.” Well, ok, in the case of wine, it half is. Yes, I don’t like drinking, but I’m also allergic to it. I understand that a work gift isn’t the same as a personal gift, but it made me feel very unimportant to keep getting poinsettias after I pointed out that I was allergic to them. And, yes, it’s different than food because I’m not allergic to any food–just intolerant/sensitive. I’m not going to go into anaphylactic shock, and I won’t have to be rushed to the hospital. My throat isn’t going to swell shut, and I’m not going to die from any of it. I’m just going to be miserable as I sit on the toilet for hours, shitting until I’m dehydrated, sore, and exhausted.

Side Note: It’s strange that in the floral world, being allergic to something means itchiness, stuffed nose, watery eyes, etc. It doesn’t have to mean a need to be rushed to the hospital. The same with animal allergies. But in the food world, that’s a sensitivity or an intolerance. No greater point to be made about this–just an observation.

This is an issue with other aspects of my life, albeit in a more subjective way.   I am a weirdo in so many ways, and I’m careful about letting it show on the regular. I know how to pass as normal, and I can do it for shorts bursts of time. For example, when I go to the grocery store, I can pass as one of the locals. I know how to speak the language, and I have a mantra that nobody needs to know the real me. So, yeah, I can nod and smile when someone groans about winter or snow. I can talk about the Vikes to a superficial degree. I can say I’m doing fine with the best of them, and I can nod sympathetically if someone else complains about something.


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