Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: Double Fan Form

When do you know you’ve reached your limits, part three

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I have one more post in me to talk about limits, sunken cost fallacy, and American toxic exceptionalism. Yes, I know it’s American exceptionalism and toxic positivity, but they are one and the same to me. It’s not that I don’t think you shouldn’t strive to do well–wait. Let’s stop there a second. I have to qualify it by saying that it’s good to try to improve yourself. That’s what I’m doing with the different weapon forms. But, in other ways, I have no desire. Like jobwise, I just don’t care. Then, there’s my personal flaws. I want to improve some of them, but others, I have just accepted. I know I’m not changing them, and that is perfectly fine.

The problem is when people feel like everything you do has to somehow work as an improvement factor. Like taking your kids to the park, you should walk briskly so you get in some exercise. It’s beacuse in America, most people are so busy. They need to squeeze in exercise whenever and wherever they can. So many Mom magazines includes ways to use your baby in your exercising.

Which, I mean. I’m sure it’s practical, but not every moment has to be a learning/teaching/exercise moment. This is something I have learned with Taiji. (And now, to a lesser extent, Bagua.) I chose it because it was the lazy person’s martial art. My teacher expressly tells us that the purpose is to exert as little energy as possible in order to have as maximum an output of energy as possible. She talked at length about how bad the American ‘give 110%’ mentality was, and I slowly came to agree with her.

I had a classmate back when I first started who told me an aggravating story. He said that every spring, he would feel inspired to run. Now, mind, he did nothing to prepare for that throughout the year. He would just go out and run like ten miles on the first day of spring that he felt was warm enough to run outside. Inevitably, he would pull a muscle and then not be able to run for the rest of the spring. He did this year after year, and then was always surprised when he injured himself on his first day out.

It’s so American, though. The belief that you have to hurt yourself when you exercise, otherwise you’re not exercising hard enough. “No pain, no gain” is one credo. So is, “Give 110%.” The latter really annoyed me beceause you literally cannot give 110%. I know it’s just a saying , but it’s always bothered me, anyway. It’s been known for quite some time that you cannot give your all at all times. Not just that–it’s not optimal to always push to do your best. Let me draaaaaag out another hoary chestnut–“Don’t let perfection be the enemy of good.”


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When something is truly too hard, part two

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I want to talk more about where is the line between giving it your all and sunken cost fallacy. Here is my post from yesterday in which I was talking about my struggles with the Double Fan Form. I think back to when I laughingly assumed it would take me three months, tops, to teach it to myself.

Remember when I said yesterday that there were two results from the Dunning-Kruger study? One is so well-known, it’s called the Dunning-Kruger Effect. In a nutshell, that posited that people who were really bad at something vastly overestimated their skill and didn’t understand how much worse they were at it than other people. People basically boil it down to people who are bad at something think they’re great, which, of course, is heavily dependent upon different demographics.

The second result they found is the other side of the same coin–that peoaple who are really good at something underestimate how much better they are at it than other people are. Again, that’s vastly simplified, but it’ll do for my  purpose. Which is, most of the time, I am the latter. I always think I suck at something, no matter what. If I can do it, anyone can. Or rather, that’s for things I know I’m no better than mediocre at.

That would include FromSoft games. I am horrible at them, and I think  that if I can finish them, anyone can (within reason, of course). It takes me twice as long to finish one for the first time as it does the most pedestrian of players. That would also include drawing, sadly. I tried to do it when I was a teenager/in my twenties, and I was very bad at it.  I saw no reason to keep trying because I suuuuuuucked at it. Could I have gotten better? Oh, yes. Did I want to put in the effort? Oh, no.

See, this is where it gets fuzzy. My brother and I have argued over the years about nature versus nurture when it comes to the creative arts. Thirty years ago, he was on the side of nurture while I was on the side of nature. That’s too simplified, though.

My brother is extremely talented in photography. I have long maintained that he could do it professionally (and he has done some side hustles as a photog). I, on the other hand, am a person of words. Writing is my thing–or at least it was. Not as sure any longer. I’m trying, and I’m hoping to find a way to break through whatever is blocking me (not a writer’s block, sadly. I would at least know how to deal with that. Even though I’ve only had it two or three times).


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When too hard is truly too hard

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I’ve been thinking about American exceeptionalism and how damaging it is. In this specific case, I want to talk about the difference between confidence and arrogance. There have been studies that show that women (and AFAB, I presume) often underestimate their abilities. Or rather, they don’t apply to jobs that they consider out of their reach whereas men do. That’s a gross simplification, but it’ll do for now.

Let’s talk about the Dunning-Kruger Effect (I promise you this is relevant). Everyone who has heard of it knows that it’s about people who really overestimate their own abilities and think that they are better at something (or all things) than they really are. What people don’t know, though, is the second result the researchers found. It’s that people who are really good at something (or things) vastly underestimate how much better they are at the thing than other people are.

It makes perfect sense as they both stem from the belief that (generic) you are the norm and everyone else skews towards the norm (you). In other words, it’s putting you at the center of the universe. I’m not even being angry about it because of course people will think of themselves as the norm. At least until they run into enough people who are vastly different than they are. Then, maybe, there might be a glimmer of hope. But, oftentimes, sadly, it’s just them dimissing everyone else as weird or outliers.

Do I sound bitter or pessimistic? Well, yeah. Look at the state of America right now. Why the hell wouldn’t I feel that way? The thing is, though, I have felt that for many decades. I’ve always looked at my country (and the world in general) with a jaundiced eye. It’s just how I am. I have always said that I’m a pessimist or a realist, but I had a friend in college tell me an optimist. When I protested, he pointed out that I expected the best out of people and was disappointed when I didn’t get it.

I opened my mouth to snap back, but then I closed it. Because you know what? He was right. I did expect people to do the right thing,and I was disappointed when they failed to do it. That’s what made me cynical, by the way. The fact that I thought people would do the right thing and then they didn’t. And this happened over and over again.

I, on the other hand, tended to think that I wasn’t anything special in any way and that if I could do something, other people could as well. sometimes, that’s true. Like with From games. If I can finish them, then truly anyone can. I am so bad at them. Astoundingly bad. So bad that why the fuck do I even play them? Ian and I have this argument from time to time. He says the games are exactly for people like me who can struggle with them and then feel real satisfaction when they beat the games.


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Yes, even more about weapons

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I am going to talk more about weapons. Yesterday, I spent a huge chunk of the post talking about my stroke. There was a reason for it, and I’m going to talk a little more about it today. I was saying how since I recovered so well from my medical crisis, I sometimes forget that it actually happen. It’s because I didn’t really have to do much of anything to recover other than rest (and Taiji once I was able to do it).

I did not have to do any rehab. At all. On the second or third day that I was awake in the hospital, one of the physical therapist (PTs) who was testing my abilities told me that it took a year or two to return to what could be considered normal. Even in my drugged up state, I could tell that she was carefully picking her words and that she didn’t believe what she was saying. I didn’t say anything because as I mentioned, I  was drugged to the gills. I could talk, yes, but not well nor did I want to.

Fun fact: I had something called tickertape synesthesia in the first few days I woke up. That meant that when I was talking to someone (or rather when they were talking to me), I could see a bubble over their head that had what they were saying in fonts that related to a name my brain gave them. So, for example, there was one nurse named Leif something or the other. My brain decided his name was Forest and gave his words a leafy font. Plus, trees. And green and brown colors.

It was a really interesting experience, but I was not sad when it faded away. I did not need to be in the middle of a cartoon, and I wanted my brain to be as clear as possible.

A few months after my medical crisis, I felt nearly 100%. Physically, anyway. By that time, my parents were back in Taiwan, and I was on my own again. I considered myself fully recovered and went about my merry way.

Except.

I could not get the experience out of my mind. I’m not knocking myself for it, mind. I mean, it was literally a life-changing event. Except it wwasn’t, really. What I mean is that, ye,s in the literal sense, it changed my world. But, because I recovered so well, I didn’t feel as if something had actually happened to me. Yes, I was exteremely tired all the time, but when wasn’t I? Sleep and I have not gotten along ever. In fact, the time I slept the best was after my medical crisis. In part beacuse I was so drugged up, I slept a lot. Oh, also because I died. Twice. I always separate died and twice. I have no idea why, but I’m going to keep doing it, so sue me.


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I fucking did it!

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My Taiji teacher has the flu, so no class today. That meant I did my solo practice, and halfway through, I decided, why the fuckk not? I had one posture left in the Double Fan Form. I had planned on teaching the last posture to myself on Sunday (tomorrow), but I decided why the hell not do it today? It was the closing posture, and it was a bit more complicated than other closing postures.

Today, I took a deep breath and watched the video of it several times. May I say once again how much I appreciate the one video where she is doing the form facing both front and back side by side? It’s so valuable to see both perspectives at the same time. Most videos show the teacher facing the camera, which messes with my brain. I much prefer seeing it from the back, but I like having the front view so I can check angles I can’t see from the back.

It also helps to have it at half speed. Then, the second video I watch is at .75 speed. The third video is at normal speed. I don’t know why this works for my brain, but it does. I need the variety of teachings in order for my brain to truly understand what is going on. Even still, there were a few times when I despaired I would ever learn the whole form.

I started teaching myself this form on my (actual) birthday. Now, just a bit over eight months later (minus a month of getting over my three-shot day, so a little over seven months), I can say that I have taught myself the whole Double Fan Form. I am pleased, of course, but also too tired* to really feel much.

I cannot believe it; I really can’t. I had a Zoom lesson with my teacher on Thursday. Zoom because she has the flu, of course. I was telling her that I was so close to finishing the Double Fan Form and how fucking hard it was, and she said she would like me to do it at the demo (in February).

I said not this year, but maybe next–and I meant it! I do not feel ready to do it in two months, but in a year and two months? Yes, maybe I would be ready. It might fulfill my desire to perform, too, which would be an added bonus. The problem is that I get performance anxiety, which I used to do when I was performing on the regular a few decades ago.  It’s hard not to go on tilt once I let it get to me, which then just makes everything worse.

I’m really proud of myself, I’ll be honest with you. Though it took twice the amount of time I thought it would–shit, more than twice–it was…worth it? I’m not sure I can say that. As I said to my teacher, I would not have done it if I had known what it meant back when I started, but I’m glad to have done it now.


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Double Fan Form: nearing the end, part five

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Despite what the title is of this post, I’m actually going to finish the list that I started yesterday of my weapons, easiest to hardest to learn. If I have time and the brain bandwidth, I’ll get back to the Double Fan Form. If I don’t, though, then I won’t and will get back to it in another post.

For some reason, I thought I was making a list of the weapons, my favorite to least favorite. Nope. That wasn’t what I was doing, so let’s get back to easiest to learn to hardest to learn.

Before I get to the rest of the list, though, let me quickly rattle off the weapons I’m including. You know what? Let’s throw in the Solo Form as well. No. If I do that, then I have to rejigger my list. The Solo (Long) Form was easy for me to learn for the most part. That’s good; I don’t know if I would have stuck it out otherwise.

Why? Because my first experience with Taiji was a disaster. The teacher was terrible for so many reasons, and I was skittish about trying another studio. When I finally mustered up enough energy to research other studios, I had a list of things that I needed from the studio. One, a female teacher. This was nonnegotiable. Two, no shilling of in-studio products like belts and gis and shoes. Three, related to the last one, no belts at all. That’s not really a Taiji thing, anyway, but I was amazed at how many Taiji studios wanted to mimic more traditional karate studios.

I remember at our last studio, there was a group who used the space after us on occasion. I’m not sure what their group was, but they all wore white. I got the sense that it was some kind of New Age hippie thing. I also got the sense that they looked askance at us. See, we wore mostly black, and we were much earthier. I have visible tattoos for one thing. They were very much peace and love. We were more, ah, not hate and strife, but not what they were.

Plus, they would talk in their normal voices while we were trying to finish up our class. That was as annoying as fuck, to be honest.

It took me some time to find my teacher. She had just started her school, and I was her first official student. We gabbed more than we practiced, and we have the tendency to still do the same. I had a lesson with her yesterday and before it, we both said we needed to hold ourselves accountable.

We did it, too. We talked for five or ten minutes, then got down to business. It’s not that we can’t stick to what we’re meant to do; it’s that we’re both too willing to derail each other (and ourselves).


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Double Fan Form: nearing the end, part four

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Double Fan Form. It’s so fucking hard. The whole post could just be that, but I’m going to unpack it even further. I was talking about my family history for most of the post because that’s how I roll. I am a strong writer, but I tend to meander all over the place. Why use one word when ten will do? Writing is esy for me; editing is hard. I do edit as I go, which I shouldn’t do.  I talked with my Taiji teacher about that today because I have to actively resist doing th same with my forms.

My teacher has told me several times that I should learn a form first and then do the refinements. Obviously, that means actually learning the steps. I tend to fudge them sometimes, so I will occasionally go back and reteach them to myself. That’s what I did when I realized I didn’t know chunks of the Fan Form.

By the way, my memory is shit now. I thought I had taught myself the Fan Form before my medical crisis (which was in September of 2021). When I was looking through my emails to find something else, I stumbled across emails to my teacher from February of 2022 in which I said that I was going to teach myself the Fan form. That was five months after my medical crisis, which is amazing in and of itself.

Earlier this year or late last year, I was teaching myself the left side of the fan. It was going pretty well when I reached a spot that I had no idea what came next. I thought back to the right side of the form, and I could not make that pull. I went back to the video (which I had to dig around to find because my teacher sent it to me, an I did not put it any place reasonable), and then I realized I had messed up several postures in the form. Not only that, I had completely omitted several more later in the form (very much near the end).

I blame my medical crisis. I did not have much long-term ramifications from it, but one thing that was affected was my memory. Now, given what I went through, this was to be expected. Even though I had a great memory before my medical crisis, I did not take it too hard when my memory suddenly became like Swiss cheese. I will say that it’s come back to about 75%, which I’m fine with.

It’s weird, though. As I get older, I start wondering if the small ailments I’m feeling are because of my medical crisis or because of my age. When I have a memory lapse, is it because of my brain getting hit so (metaphorically) hard? Or is it just because I’m getting older? Or is it both?


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Doquble Fan Form: nearing the end, part three

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I am back to talk more about the Double Fan Form. It’s the only form I do every day, though I did not do it for over a month after I got my three shots in one day. I was pleased to be able to pick it up again recently, though I was rusty. There are a few postures I need to refine, but as my teacher is fond of saying, it’s better to finish learning the form first and then doing the refinement. She calls it graduating, but it doesn’t feel that way to me.

She’s very generous when she says that, and she’s supportive in general of people wherever they are. It’s one thing I appreciated because I don’t do well by being loudly scolded. Well, let me rephrase that. I did well by being metaphorically flogged, but it made me feel miserable inside.

I find that because of my upbringing, I don’t do well with harsh criticism. I tend to get all bristly and snap back .I’m a porcupine with spikes all over me, and I shoot them off when I feel threatened.

It’s funny. When I was a kid, I was adamant that I didn’t get angry. I kept my emotions tamped deep down inside, but that didn’t mean I didn’t have them. I just was not allowed to show them, which meant that when I did finally express any dissatisfaction, I would explode in white hot anger.

Since my medical crisis, I have had more difficulty tempering my, well, temper. I think it’s because of the stroke I had. I’m not trying to make excuses, but it does feel out of my control. I do my best to mitigate it by clamping my mouth shut when I get heated, and I’m very good at keeping my face immobile. However, I know I have tells, even if I don’t know what they are. I know one of them because Ian told me about it. He said that when I’m absolutely done with a conversation, I cut my eyes up and to the left. Which is good to know, I guess, but it’s not as if I can stop myself from doing it.

Nor, quite frankly, do I really care to train it out of me. In the blog, Ask A Manager, there is an emphasis on not making faces in the office/on Zoom. It’s disrespectful to your coworkers, you see. There have been a few letter writers over the years who had difficulty training their faces to be neutral enough for their offices.

Now, I understand that you can’t be grimacing, scowling, or rolling your eyes at your coworkers. However, people find it creepy when you hold your face perfectly still, which is annoying as well. I mean, it feels very damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Or rather, there is a narrow range of acceptable emotions/reactions you can show in polite society.


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Double Fan Form: nearing the end, part two

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I want to talk more about the Double Fan Form because I’m reaching the end of the form. Well, I mean, I have seven postures left to learn, but they are hard. I watched to the end one of the three videos I’m using to teach myself, and damn. Here is the post from yesterday, in which I talk a lot about my triple shots day and not as much about my Double Fan Form.

There is a truism in Taiji that the last part of any form is the expert part of it. Meaning, this is the part that is going to test your mettle and kick your ass. You’re going to have to put all the knowledge you have gained through the rest of the form together and take your game to the next level.

That’s it for my pep talk. Let me drop that and emphasize yet again that this is by far the hardest weapon form I’ve learned. There was a time early on when I considered giving up. We’re talking in the first quarter of the form. I remember struggling so much and wondering if I would ever get it. I tend to look at how long the journey is, which makes me discouraged when it’s not going well. I also have a very low frustration tolerance level, which doesn’t help.

I’m glad to be back at it again. I’m still not quite a hundred percent, but I’m close enough to get back to teaching myself the Double Fan Form. I am proud of myself for sticking with it, to be frank. It’s a weird trait of mine that if I’m into something, I will be obsessed with it. Until I hit my limit, and then I’m done with it. It’s not a good thing, but it’s how my brain works.

Both in microcosm and macrocosm, really. I do that with things like friendships, websites, and hobbies. Not the hobbies as a whole, but projects in my hobby. Well, let me put it this way. I give up easily. Usually. The reason is because when I was a kid, my parents were very exacting. There is the stereotype of the Tiger Mom, and it’s pretty apt.

I had to be busy all the time. In addition to school, I had to play an instrument (I chose cello), take dancing lessons from the age of two (which I mostly enjoyd until en pointe ballet entered the conversation), and I played ping-pong, tennis, and softball. I liked them all to some extent. Oh, and I had to go to summer school every summer as well. And it had to be an enrichment kind of summer school, too. I went to T-CITY (Twin Cities Institute for Talented Youth) for five years, taking writing twice, acting twice, and Latin once. We had class all morning, then had sports (against the other classes) after lunch. It was also fun for the most part, and I met my first boyfriend there.


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Double Fan Form: the Dark Souls of Taiji weapon forms

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It is a month and a half since I got three shots on the same day. My second shingles shot, my pneumonia vax, and my regular blood work shot that I have to get every year. That was NOT a smart idea, especially as the second shingles shot was notorious for being an extra-impactful one. Or rather, I had heard that everyone who got the shingles shots felt one or the other disproportionately hard. K had difficulty with the first one and thought she would have to go to the emergency room after getting it.

I am sensitive to shots in general, anyway. When I got my first Covid vax, I had a swollen bump until I got the second shot–six weeks later. It was pretty small and not hot by the time I got the second one, but it was still there.

I got the first one and was pleasantly surprised that it wasn’t bad–for me, anyway. Yes, I reacted to it. Yes, my arm was hot, swollen, and throbbing for a week or so, but that’s what I expect when I get vax shots. Yeah, I was a bit feverish, too. But, again, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I was at half-mast for maybe three weeks in total.

The second shot? My god. It was brutal. Absolutely brutal. I have never had a reaction like that to a shot before. Again, it did not help that I had gotten my pneumonia vax on the same day (different arm), but that was a walk in the park compared to the second shingles shot. It wiped me out, and I didn’t do any Taiji for several days. Then, I started to cautiously add to my practice day by day, and it’s only yesterday that I finally felt ready to teach myself more of the Double Fan Form.

Before I get to that, I have to mention that on the day of the three shots, I got one in each arm and one in the back of my left hand. About a decade ago, I d discovered the wonder of butterfly needles. I don’t remember how, but probably a phlebotomist suggested it once, and now, I bring it up whenever I need to get a shot. It’s not always viable, but when it is, it makes blood drawing easy-peasy. I don’t want to insult any phlebotomist, but I know that using a butterfly needle is going to make it so much easier for both parties.

Even before I had to take time off to recover from my shots, the Double Fan Form was kicking my ass. I am used to learning weapon forms with ease. Yes, the Saber Form was difficult as my second form, but that was because I was looking at it like it was just a bigger sword. Once I realized that it was its own thing, I was able to learn it in a brisk fashion.


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