Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: social model

Oh what a feeling (realization)

Posted on by • 0 Comments

I’m back with more about masking, what I consider ‘normal’, and why I’m a social anarchist. And, yes, these are all connected. Maybe just in my mind, but they are connected. Also, this was the last post I wrote.

By the way, I will forever be grateful to Ian for pointing out that he thought I was an anarchist. For whatever reason, it never occurred to me taht I might be one. Probably because of the very negative portrayal of anarchists in the media. I know, I know. Grain of salt and all that, but when a message is constantly pushed in your face (like neurodivergent people are broken/flawed, ahem) , it’s easy to unthinkingly accept that propaganda as truth.

Here’s the thing about rules (to me). I follow them when they make sense. Such as road rules. It makes sense to follow traffic signals, for example. If people driving on the road relied on everyone negotiating who had the right of way, well, there would be a lot more deaths on the road than there already are.

Same with taxes. Grossly simplified, I believe in the collective common good and doing what we can for those among us who have the least. I think everyone should have a roof over their head, food to eat, and the ability to see a doctor when they need to (for a few very basic human rights). I believe it’s our duty to ensure that for everyone in our society. If that means cutting our defense budget, so be it.

Oh, by the way. This observation by Ian happened because I was saying that I was a libertarian with a small l in most situation. He said that I seemed more like an anarchist to him, and something clicked inside me when he said that–with some caveats.

I do believe in government. I don’t think having no government would be an improvement over having one. It’s not even that I don’t believe that individuals will do the right thing  (though I don’t), but more that you can’t run a large institution like a country without there being some structure. Even something as basic as roads. How is that going to happen if there isn’t an umbrella organization (government) that makes it happen? There are things that individuals simply can’t do.

Anyway. To veer sharply back to the topic at hand, I think part of the reason I’m an anarchist is because of my neurodivergency. What do I mean by that? I mean that the fact that I don’t see things in the way most people see them is one reason that I can strip away the window dressing (most of the time) and focus on the window.

Side note: I’m also a socialist, but that’s another post altogether. I feel the two go hand-in-hand, actually.


Continue Reading

When the mask cracks and/or slips

Posted on by • 0 Comments

In my attempt to write about how I’ve struggled to be normal all my life, I got massively derailed into delving into my family dysfunction. It’s related, but not what I really wanted to talk about. I ended the last post by noting that old people sometimes cite their age as an excuse for retro behaviors/beliefs. I mentioned how I hate that because they neatly skip over the fact that they’ve been alive in the decades since that birth and have had every opportunity to update their beliefs.

That’s not what I want to talk about, though. One reason I realized that I might be neurodivergent is…well, let me take you through the steps.

I am extremely adept at reading social situations. As I have mentioned before, this is because I had been groomed by my mother to be her emotional support person. She expected me to listen to her complain for hours at a time about my father and to soothe shattered emotions.

I was talking to A about how I was way-too-empathetic, but it wasn’t natural. I explained how my brain worked when someone told me something highly emotional (or just any big event). Let’s say it was getting a new job. This is how it would go.

Friend: Hey, Minna. I have news.

Me (thinking): News. What does that mean? How do they sound? Happy or sad.

Friend: I got a new job.

Me (thinking): New job, new job, new job. Is this a good thing? A bad thing? Have they mentioned this before?

(My brain frantically trying to remember if friend has mentioned anything about their job in the last few months while not showing any outer turmoil.)

Friend: It was rather sudden. It only happened in the last three days.

Me (stil thinking): Am I supposed to know about this? It happened suddenly. Does that mean good or bad?

Me (out loud): That is quite sudden! (Hoping they will reveal more.)

Friend: It comes with a 20% pay increase and double the PTO. And full insurance! I’m so thrilled.

Me (in relief, scrambling to come up with an appropriately enthusiastic tone): Oh, that’s great! I’m so happy for you. What thrilling news!


Continue Reading

Hidden disabilities and me, part five

Posted on by • 0 Comments

In yesterday’s post, I talked more about the medical model of ‘fix the broken thing’. I also ranted about a variety of things as is my wont; now, I’d like to actually talk about the social model of disability. Or not. We’ll see where my brain goes.

The basic premise is that it’s not the person who’s wrong, but the society. Or rather, our society is set up for ‘normal’ people. In many different ways, but in this case, let’s give a ‘for an example’. Let’s talk about time. Most jobs are 9-to-5, if not earlier.

Side note (but a related one for once): I have recently learned of a disorder called Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome (DSPS) in which people affected can’t consistently go to bed at a ‘normal’ time. 2 hours or more than the recommended/normal/randomly chosen time to go to bed. It’s fascinating because one of the suggestions for adjusting your schedule to a more ‘normal’ one is to push your sleep schedule forward/ahead an hour at a time.

Let’s say you go to bed at 3 a.m. normally. The old advice would be two go to bet at 2 a.m. until you get used to it, then 1 a.m., etc., until you get to the desired time. I have tried that. A few nights of fucking that up and it’s back to the old time again.

The suggestion I mentioned was to go to bed at 3 a.m. for a few nights, then 4 a.m., then continue that until you get to the desired time in the opposite direction. I have not tried that, and it’s so involved. It would take months to do that.

I have a wild third option. What if we, hear me out, allow people to follow their natural biorhythms? Outrageous, I know! Acutally letting people sleep at a time that’s good for them? How dare I? Look. I know that there are reasons for business hours being what they are. Well, no. I don’t, actually. I mean, I know that it’s ‘always been this way’ (yeah, right) and that there is some sense to getting it done first so you can have time afterwards for personal life.

But I just don’t function at eight in the morning. I am at my best at two in the morning, which is not normal at all. After my medical crisis, I did sleep from 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. for a year. That was a magical time, honestly.

It’s not me, though. My sleep schedule started sliding back to what it had been before (4 a.m. to 12 p.m., basically), even though I tried to ffight it. I’m struggling with it again now. I’ve gotten it to 3 a.m. to 11 a.m., but it keeps bumping towards later.

My best thinking time is when the rest of the world is asleep. That’s when I feel the most alive, when my brain is the sharpest, and I am at one with the universe.


Continue Reading

Hidden disabilities and me, part four

Posted on by • 0 Comments

Yesterday, I talked about the medical model, family/cultural dysfunction, and other things related. Today, I want to expand more on this, but also talk about the social model. What is the social model? Well, first, let’s talk about the medical model. Grossly simplified, it looks at the ‘problem’ and comes up with a way to fix it. For example, if someone  has a broken leg, then they would put a cast on it as a way to make it better. Obviously, not everything is that cut and dry, but that’s the basic gist of the medical model. Something is wrong, so we have to find a way to fix it.

There are complications, of course. I mentioned in the last post that there are many biases that influence medical people. Fatphobia is a big one. Also, the fact that the patient is assumed to be a medium-sized white man with no discernible features.

Now. Mental health issues are different because they are not as easy to measure (well….ok. Not the point, Hong. Move on), but treatment follows the same path. Find the problem, say depression, then attempt to fix it. Through medicine or therapy, maybe both.

There has been an explosion of diferent kinds of therapy in the last decade or so. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has become the darling of therapies, and my cynical side says that it’s in a large part because it’s the easiest to dispense/do.

Focusing on changing behavior is much easier than changing ideas, thoughts, trauma, etc. I have always disliked CBT because the premise is that there is something wrong with the person’s behavior/thoughts/ideas and those need to change. Basically, it ignores strucutural/systemic issues and focuses on the individual. Something is bothering you? It’s your fault or you’re perceiving it incorrectly. Racism? Sexism? Homophobia? Handwaved away.

It’s commonly known that people who are depressed are more broadly perceive the world realistically than people who are more optimistic. Therefore, someone telling a depressed person that it’s all in their head will gain no purchase beacuse the depressed person is more likely than not to be correct.

America is a hellscape right now for social justice rights. That’s my perception, and it depresses the hell out of me. Am I wrong? Nope. Therapy can help me find ways to cope with it, but it cannot change the reality that America is going in the wrong direction.

In additon, I had a shitty childhood. I have a very dysfunctional family. You can’t magic that away or pretend it’s not true. I cannot respect any therapist who won’t acknowledge this.


Continue Reading